Thursday, August 11, 2011

juice box straw

Picture it, Buenos Aires, 2011. A young, doofy American girl enters a supermercado to buy a juice box to sip from on her way to the subway. She pays the [un]friendly lady at the register, she puts her juice into her school bag and walks out to the street, headed toward Plaza San Martin and ready to enjoy some good sippin.

She pulls the juice out of her bag. OH but there's no straw attached to this juice box!!! Fuck's sake!!

She goes back into the supermercado and asks the lady at the register if she can exchange her little worthless juice box for a new one. She doesn't remember the Spanish word for straw, so she simply gestures toward the juice box and outlines a straw with her finger, and pretends to sip the imaginary straw in the air. The lady stares for a minute, emotionless, and then points to a cup by the register that is full of paper-covered straws. That'll do. The girl grabs the straw, says thank you, and cheerfully heads back outside again.

She pulls the straw from it's cover and attempts to put it into the juice box. The straw bends in half, unable to fulfill one of it's TWO fucking duties:
1. be durable enough to be inserted into a container
2. allow liquid to pass through successfully from point A to point B

She throws the PATHETIC AND WORTHLESS straw into the trash and decides to drink directly from the carton like a hobo. Actually, a hobo would probably have a much more sensible way to drink the juice, a sloth or any other creature probably could've found a better way, too. Regardless of how awkward her efforts she walks toward the subway and decides to suck the juice directly from the carton like the asshole she is.

By the time she is close to her destination she had managed to drink 1/8 of the container. Fair enough. She has to pull over to a quiet corner of the street that would no doubt reek of urine and shamelessly finish the rest as quickly as possible.

As she drinks the juice inefficiently she thinks, "how the fuck do I always manage to do most things the hardest most absurd way possible?"  Weirdos walk by her and look at her like she is a weirdo. She finishes the juice and goes down into the subway.

She finds a seat on the train and goes into her bag to find a book to read. Her hand feels something wrapped in's very small....seems like it could be....

the original, FUNCTIONAL, fucking juice box straw.

Folks, that young doofy girl, was me. And that is how I do things.


  1. Haha! Don't they give you a straw every time you get a bottle of coke anyway? I can't believe you were left strawless and forced to guzzle your beverage like a common hobo

  2. Ooh also I have the same shirt you are wearing in this pic