Wednesday, August 24, 2011

is there a nice way to be mean?

You know what sucks? When you like someone and they don't like you back. I'm not just talking about when you are the one not getting the person you want, though, this is sad, too. I think I fall in love in this city at least once every day. Everyone here is like a young John Stamos. NO criticism of Stamos will be accepted by my ears. Go to hell if you don't believe Stamos is/was/will always be a fox.

I've seen my share of unrequited love. There was the beautiful man who I substitute taught for three weeks from an Agriculture and Energy company who lived in Indonesia for 3 years. He could've set me on fire, stamped my face out with his boot and then somehow accidentally set me on fire again, I would still have a signed marriage license for him in my charred hand. BEAUTIFUL. MAN. I cooly* gave him my email address at the end of our last class together and offered my assistance if he was ever looking to practice English outside of class. (SEX) But sadly I have yet to hear anything. But you know what? There were 3 seconds on the clock and I took my shot from half court. Did it go in? Fuucckkk no, my ankle gave out and it was an air ball, but at LEAST I tried.

And then there's always the gorgeous guy who sits behind the front desk in the lobby of the building where Jermaine works. He used to have long hair he would put in a bun and I STILL dug the guy. THEN he got his hair cut and holy SHIT. I acknowledged his hair cut and told him it looked nice in Spanish and he thanked me, then said something about how he had to cut it because it was starting to annoy him since it was so long. It took everything in me not to just say to his face, in English, "and I thought I wanted to fuck you BEFORE!"

So, yes, these could-be's are sad. However, what can be just as frustrating is trying to guide the this-guy-is-nice-but-i'm-not-at-all-attracted-to-him guys continuously back into friend territory or swat weirdos away permanently. I'm not saying I have some line of assholes trying to chat me up, but I am saying it really sucks when you like them but not LIKE THAT.

There's not a nice way to say that, is there?

How do you nicely say, I like talking to you, but your fingernails are very long on only your left hand and not your right and that really weirds me out.

Or, your hair has longer, wispy pieces that clearly get in your eyelashes as you talk, how do you not notice and fix this??

How do you nicely say, please do not make cutesy comments about how pretty you think I am, because now we both should be uncomfortable. Oh, you're not? Well good for you, dickhead.

How do you nicely say you must not be aware of how bad your breath is, otherwise you would not be leaning in so close and saying so many words that begin with "P."

I'll keep trying to think of a nice way.

*By "cooly" I mean I probably looked like this while I asked:

Woooouuulld you like to email me sometime?