Wednesday, September 19, 2012

flushing power

I started a new job on Monday.  Everything's going very well so far.  My only complaint right now is the flushing power of the toilet in the office.  It's too powerful.

I've been around a lot of toilets in my day and it seems like what all humans want is a happy median when it comes to flushing power.  Nobody benefits from a toilet with a flushing power so weak that it seems to run on the wind produced by hamster farts.  This may arguably be the worst flushing power one can come across.  Nobody should ever have to face the fear and panic produced by a toilet that has not the power to carry your waste to a better, faraway place.  I've been there, you've been there, too.  It's not a good place.  And when you come out of the bathroom sweating, 20 minutes later, after having invented several awful ways to take the waste out of sight, and all of your coworkers are staring at you and you can't look them in the eyes, that's a shame we shouldn't have to bear.

But I discovered a new flushing power problem that goes to the other extreme.  A flushing power so strong, so loud, a flushing power that your great grandparents dreamed about.  If I could go back in time, I'd tell my great grandparents, be careful what you wish for, and also, sorry you never got to see the internet.  The toilets in my office flush so powerfully that I have to turn my face away, for fear it will be sprayed with a back splash of toilet water.  In the bible, Lot's family was not supposed to turn back to look at their burning town, lest they be turned to salt, (which of course, Lot's wife had to fucking turn around anyway because, CURIOSITY, also, in case you haven't noticed, women in the bible can't do ANYTHING right).  Fortunately for me, I've opted for protection over curiosity so far, but that still leaves my back unprotected from toilet droplets.

Is this a real problem?  Absolutely not.  The point of this story is:

A. I like my new job. 


B. Toilet flushing technology can become overzealous if we're not careful.

Let's calm down a little bit, turn down the dial.  I don't need a toilet so powerful that it can also suck up my hopes and dreams and possibly soul, while spewing microscopic poop pieces at my person.  P!!!  I guess we can't have it all, though, can we.