Wednesday, March 25, 2015

what I know about every woman named Barbara

We all have a few Barbaras in our lives. We know their deal.  There are certain universal truths about women named Barbara.  I'd like to highlight several of them for you.  If you care to argue with any of my observations, please feel free to do so in the comments section.  I invite an open, engaging discussion regarding the behaviors of women named Barbara.

1.)  All Barbaras are 45+ years old.  Nobody has ever met a Barbara under 40.  Nobody after the year 1970 named their baby Barbara.  Babies named Barbara no longer exist.  Can you even imagine a millenial couple throwing Barbara in the ring for their baby's name?

"We could name the baby after one of your grandmothers?"
"But both of them were named Barbara..."
"Oh god, never mind. The last thing we want is a baby coming out of you wearing bifocals and a sweater from Talbots."

2.) All Barbaras have short, curly brown hair that "just never behaves in this humidity!"

3.) All Barbaras drive a beige Toyota Corolla.  What about Chevy Malibus you ask?  Well, fine.  But you better believe they're going to be beige.

4.) All Barbaras wear support stockings with their crocs.  The support stockings are to decrease their chance of getting varicose veins.  The crocs are because they've given up on fucks.

5.)  All Barbaras have a full bottle of Chanel No. 5 perfume on their vanity for special occasions.  But for everyday use, they spritz on Jovan Musk that they buy monthly from CVS.

6.) All Barbaras call things "nifty."

7.) All Barbaras own a tiny dog that barks too much.  During neighborhood walks the dog definitely won't stop even though Barbara yells their name over and over again.

"Princess, be quiet!  Princess, nobody wants to hear you bark!  Princess, stop that!  She's usually really sweet, she won't bite you...  PRINCESS!!"

8.) All Barbaras have office enemies named Tammy.  Barbara and Tammy have "never seen eye to eye on policies and procedures and Tammy is constantly late for the bi-weekly manager's meetings."

9.)  All Barbaras give powerpoint presentations at each quarterly meeting.  It takes them 5-10 minutes to figure out how to set up the phone and open and operate the powerpoint.  They always have to call the IT team for backup and IT guy Matt rolls his eyes each time Barbara calls.

10.)  All Barbaras have a desk drawer full of Nutrigrain bars, but every once in a while they like to reward themselves by going to the vending machine for Famous Amos cookies.