Wednesday, February 22, 2012

...and i'm a mormon

23 GRANDKIDS??????!!!!!

I'm sorry, that's all I got out of this. I forgot everything he said before and after that.

I have seen these Mormon commercials a lot lately. I guess it's supposed to make me think they're just like everybody else and not some strange...I don't know...sea creatures? Is that what we think of Mormons? Well not anymore. Now I just think they are good-natured, hardworking baby making machines.

Look, I want a winning football team as much as the next guy, but I can't be expected to produce it on my own! Good for you for trying, though, Mormons!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

babies on footballs

Hi, I'm not a parent, so I'm saying this carefully with all due respect, parents. Please stop doing this. FUCK!!!

Who decided putting a naked newborn baby on a football was a great idea? What are you trying to tell us? You're going to spike your newborn baby onto the ground? You're going to attempt to throw him or her into the end zone?

Okay, I get that you love football, very original. I love ghost stories, feminisim and the tv show Frasier, among many things. Would I put my baby on a Edgar Allan Poe book? On top of a limited edition of the Feminine Mystique? On the DVD case of the 11th and final season of the critically acclaimed 90s sitcom? NO.

Maybe it's the fact that the baby is so small, the fact that it's the size of a football that makes you want to digitally capture that moment forever. Would you rather your wife had given birth to a pigskin signed by Joe Montana instead? And, yes, I'm directing this more to men because a woman wouldn't come up with this photo idea by herself. She's probably just going to be happy her husband gives a damn about possible poses for the baby's first photo shoot so this was not even an argument. "Sure, honey. On top of a football. That could be really cute!"

You know what else I would've accepted besides "naked on top of football"? Baby dressed as John McEnroe in a little tennis uniform flicking off a referee. Baby dressed as Brandi Chastain with its shirt in one hand and the other arm raised with a triumphant fist. Baby dressed as Michael Vick being arrested with two stuffed animal dogs fighting in the background, now that's a photo!!!

So, again, I'm going to make one more plea. Stop putting your naked, sleeping baby on a football and documenting it.

Monday, February 20, 2012

abstinence only!

Here's a great idea!! Let's pretend that sex doesn't exist and just ignore it and not talk to our kids about it and it will go away. It makes me really uncomfortable to address sex like an adult, so a great tactic I do is cover my ears and close my eyes and yell "eeeewwww! and "evil!!!" whenever somebody starts talking about it.

Facts like 1 in every 4 sexually active teens has an STI and 40% of older adolescents believe that birth control pills and shots prevent STIs and HIV are scary. But I think what I'll do to help these problems is throw some abstinence pamphlets at my teens and then slip awkwardly from the room. I don't know where these "sexually active" teens are living, not in my town, because teens don't have sex, of course they couldn't, because they're not married yet. So if I just keep pretending like it's not happening because I won't let myself see it, everything's cool.

I'll put earplugs in so I can't hear people tell me that teens who are educated through abstinence only programs are less likely to use condoms, and more likely to choose other unprotected forms of sex including oral and anal, without contraception. Nope! Sorry!! Can't hear you!!! Just like my little niece walking through the mall yesterday with her iPod earphones in, I'll yell in response to anybody who tries to talk to me.

Maybe if I listen less and speak louder, the hedonist comprehensive sex education people will get tired of trying to educate and corrupt me and just go away. That way I can keep pumping billions of dollars into a program that ignores human nature and shames people, not quite enough to keep them from having sex, but from using contraception that will shield them from the STIs I never told them existed to begin with. I'll just keep punishing the youth of America because I have a personal problem with addressing the concept of sex on a mature level.

And if all of this fails I'll just remind them that they'll go to hell if they do it and take pleasure in knowing I'm morally above them.

Monday, February 6, 2012

sexy ads

I guess sometimes it's easy to forget how sexual advertising can get. Or maybe it's not, I don't know.

Here are a few hilariously sexualized ads that are just pricelessly inappropriate:

This ad says: You are a woman who wants to look sexy in her jeans, comfort is for homely chicks. These jeans are best worn on a perfect, flexible body while writhing around on the hood of a classic car.
Bottom line = Put your bottom line in these mother fuckin jeans.

This ad says: If you buy this champagne a beautiful girl will help you open it in style. First we'll just put the bottle at dick-level, open it one-handed with the other hand on our hip, have some wind blow through our hair, take a picture and done. The second part of this involves you imagining that bottle of champagne is actually your ejaculating penis.
Bottom line: Drink this and you will blow a load.

This ad says: Whatever you did was wrong, but probably sexy somehow, and for that you can't be forgiven. But at least you were wearing that strangely insulting perfume. And now P. Diddy is going to maybe sexually assault you. Wait, what?
Bottom line: Wear this perfume and get punished for wearing a patronizing perfume.

This ad says: Wear this flashy, expensive suit and be attractive and a gorgeous blonde will sit next to you and rub her breasts and you'll be too cool to even notice.
Bottom line: Nice suit = boob rubbins.