Monday, June 25, 2012

thank you, kotex!

I'd like to take this moment to thank Kotex and, frankly, all feminine products for their conspicuous and fluorescent pride.

In case you're a man or you use a diva cup, or both, I'll fill you in.


Look at the pads leaning casually and sexily against the box up there.  Pretty hot, huh?  Maybe they're trying to make us forget that they catch period blood?


The packaging for tampons and pads, (or feminine napkins if that makes you feel more comfortable, but I already said period blood once so if you kept reading after that, you should be able to make it through the rest of this okay), is reliably bright with the most neon of colors available.  Which, of course, makes perfect sense.  Because when I'm walking to the bathroom at work carrying something I'm trying to hide, it should be the most eye-catching HIGHLIGHTER YELLOW or BRIGHT NEON PINK to draw attention away from my embarrassed face.

It's also especially fun when you're pulling things out of your purse, searching for your keys, and out comes a beacon of light known as a tampon in SUN RAY ORANGE.  Hello, crowd at the metro!

Or you open a drawer to quickly and stealthily pull out a pair of underwear or a human head or whatever you're pulling out of a drawer quickly, and BAM - FUCKING PURPLE.  Must be my feminine napkin because nothing else on this earth is colored so goddam brightly.

So, thanks, Kotex, for always letting everyone know I'm on my period.

Monday, June 4, 2012

the bee gees

I was really sad to hear about the passing of one of the Gibb brothers, recently.  So, feeling inspired, I decided to look up some information on the Bee Gees to improve my wealth of useless knowledge that I will never need.

According to Wikipedia, I discovered they were from the Isle of Man which I would have assumed was made up if it weren't for the fact that I met someone who was from there when I was in Argentina.  I'm still not entirely convinced that's really where she was from though.  Maybe she's paid by the Bee Gees dynasty to help perpetuate the existence of this "Isle of Man."  But I digress.

Wikipedia told me a lot of interesting tidbits, like the fact that Barry was the older brother and Robin and Maurice were fraternal twins.  But it didn't tell me whether or not they were gay.  I decided to send this question out into the universe that is the monster-genius internet.  Where did I turn for answers?  Where does anyone turn?  WikiAnswers. (Yahoo Answers didn't have an answer)

WikiAnswers gave me this:
Question: 
are the bee gees gay?
Answer:
Michael Jackson also had 3 kids and he's gay as a window -(Takerpoo)

Takerpoo had an interesting point, but it still didn't bring me the answer I wanted.  For example: yes or no.

So I decided to do a spiritual Google image search and let my own mind decide based on what I saw.  I found an image that gave me all the answer I could ever need...



And the answer was no.  The Bee Gees are not gay.


Now, friends, enjoy Jive Talkin'



Saturday, June 2, 2012

it's now or never


Elvis knew exactly what he was doing.  This song came on my ipod recently and made me laugh.  It's all there in the title: "It's now or never."  Elvis was so smooth he could take a coerced one night stand and turn it into the most beautiful poetry.  I'm sure this came from several particular experiences he had, too.
Elvis:  Look, babe, I'm leaving in the morning, so are we gonna do this or....?
Attractive woman:  Oh, Elvis, I don't know, this is the 50s and women aren't supposed to want to just have sex and never speak to the guy again.
Elvis:  Right, right, okay.  Well, it's now or never.  And, I'm Elvis.  So can we do this or can we do this?  Do you have condoms? No?  It's cool, I'll pull out in time.  I think I'll write a song about this.

Who would say no to this guy?  And, oh, by the way, he looks like this:


No living woman would say no to that, unless it was 1977 and this Elvis was telling you he'd pull out in time:



Sure you will, fat Elvis.