Wednesday, October 31, 2012

open letter to the bathroom stall lady

To the lady in the bathroom stall next to mine at work this afternoon,

Why would you disturb the sweet, placid silence of a bathroom with your groans?  Seriously, you and I were the only ones in that bathroom, and I was in the stall next to you and I heard you groaning and you know I heard you.  Come on!!  You scared me to death in there.

The newspapers piled around your feet signified a break well spent, taking your time in the bathroom while catching up on election news and damages caused by Hurricane Sandy.  But your audible groans signified supplications to a higher power, or unseen hemorrhoid seraphim.

You made me wash my hands faster than usual, so as to get the fuck away from whatever was happening/trying to happen behind that closed stall door.  Today is the day of demons and I just hope you are able to face and slay yours.

I wish I were brave enough to have helped you in your plight, instead of escaping in haste.  Perhaps I could have offered a few words of comfort or ran swiftly out to the local CVS or Rite Aid to pick up a container of Tucks® to provide a much needed burst of cooling witch hazel relief for your suffering.

But escape I did.  Now I can only pray for your independent success.  May you ride out this storm safely.

Forever yours,

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Governor $$$$ $$$$$$

Shouldn't it be enough that Romney has enough money to get to travel the deep seas in some sort of post modern tricked out submarine coffin when he dies?  Shouldn't it be enough that he and his great great great grandparents and their children and their children's children and their children's dog and his 50 children and their children will all live together in heaven's paradise for all eternity after he dies?  Mormons get to have all that, right?  Even though they are constantly reminding us of how totally normal they are?  I mean, that would be enough for me, but it's clearly not enough for Mittens.

Nope, he just has to be president so he can take us back to a more distant time when women didn't vote traditional government style that praises all wealthy white men Americans and hands-off government only when it comes to ignoring corrupt business but not when it comes to a women's right to make decisions about her own body.  You know, guys, like when Reagan was president and every day was like a fucking Harvard frat party.  Money, money, money,!

But I'm just jealous of his money, right?  Yeah, probably.  I've always wanted a tricked out means of conveyance (maybe even a personalized license plate that says ASSDIVA or something clever).  As for the family/eternity part, I've heard my great grandmother was a pretty mean, ghastly, banshee of a West Virginian back country woman, so that doesn't appeal to me that much.

More than anything else I'm just tired of the same old shit, the same old rich white guy skipping through the open door to whatever-the-fuck-he-wants.  And I'm tired of him trying to tell me how hard he's had it and how much he had to work to get to the top.  As the saying goes, when you're born on third base, you shouldn't go around thinking you hit a triple.  (GO NATS! GO O's!)  I'm really sorry if I'm offending all the rich white guys of the world, but I'm sure with a little time and a handkerchief made out of rare five thousand dollar bills, you can pick up the pieces of your life and continue to rule the world and keep the other 99% safely squeezed under the heel of your Salvatore Ferragamo 'Faraone' Cap Toe Oxfords.