Why would you disturb the sweet, placid silence of a bathroom with your groans? Seriously, you and I were the only ones in that bathroom, and I was in the stall next to you and I heard you groaning and you know I heard you. Come on!! You scared me to death in there.
The newspapers piled around your feet signified a break well spent, taking your time in the bathroom while catching up on election news and damages caused by Hurricane Sandy. But your audible groans signified supplications to a higher power, or unseen hemorrhoid seraphim.
You made me wash my hands faster than usual, so as to get the fuck away from whatever was happening/trying to happen behind that closed stall door. Today is the day of demons and I just hope you are able to face and slay yours.
I wish I were brave enough to have helped you in your plight, instead of escaping in haste. Perhaps I could have offered a few words of comfort or ran swiftly out to the local CVS or Rite Aid to pick up a container of Tucks® to provide a much needed burst of cooling witch hazel relief for your suffering.
But escape I did. Now I can only pray for your independent success. May you ride out this storm safely.