Friday, May 11, 2012

my mom

It's easy to forgot how much your mom drives you crazy. When I was in Argentina, she was really looking good from several thousand miles away. Now that I'm back I'm close enough to remember all the things I'd forgotten because of nostalgia or Malbec clouding my better judgement.

Here's one example that drives me nuts, her intensity. I know this is a quality that I've already started to cultivate myself, but I'm still going to complain about it. Everyone always says you can only hate something you recognize in yourself. Nope, that wasn't everyone, that was some random quote I read years ago. Anyway, her intensity, HER INTENSITY drives me nuts. Which means one of these days my daughter or son or cat who somehow learns to speak will be complaining to their friends about MY intensity. <3 Genetics!! <3

For example -
My mother always wants you to know that no matter what she is talking about, she MEANS THE FUCK OUT OF IT. If she says she loves you, you're going to physically feel that love shooting lasers into your eyeballs and sweating out of your pores.  And it's probably going to be painful.  Not unlike what Jeff Goldblum went through when he turned into The Fly -

Oops, that is not Jeff Goldblum turning into a fly.  That is a picture of naked Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.  You get the idea, though.

Below are a few things I've heard my mom actually say.  Under that I've written what it sounds like she's saying judging by the intensity of her tone.  I've provided this picture of an angry Sally Field for assistance to accurately visualize her.

Woopsie daisy, that's a Mrs. Doubtfire poster.  Here you go...

My mom: I'm going to keep my Christmas tree up as long as I want.
Which sounded like:  Christmas will disappear with the smashing of my fist into this wall.

My mom: I'm going to get gas tonight so I don't have to worry about it when we're on the road tomorrow.
Which sounded like:  I'm going to hire a detective to help me find my kidnapped son in Mexico.

My mom: Jenna, be careful.  Your cat, Pearl, likes to lick toothbrushes since she's been staying with me.  So put a cover on yours.
Which sounded like:  Jenna, be careful.  I've placed tiny land mines strategically in the carpet throughout the house so walk softly.

My mom: Jenna....GASP....that purple shirt looks BREATHTAKING on you.
Which sounded like: Jenna...GASP.....the liquid magma is coming in under the front door.

Monday, May 7, 2012

affordable hou$$$$$ing

I love DC, don't get me wrong.  It's just that sometimes I also fucking hate it.  In particular, here's one thing I hate: lack of affordable housing.

It's like a bunch of rich architect imperial lords got together in an evil tower on Capitol Hill during a thunderstorm and asked each other "Hey! Do you have a lot of money? Yes?  Me too!  I bet most people have a lot of money, too.  And if we build expensive buildings they will give their money to us."  Then one of the guys answered, "Yep. Let's do that."  Then they all turned into bats and flew into the night to their respective expensive lofts in Dupont and Georgetown.

I'm not sure who you people are who come into this city and pay $3,000 for a one bedroom luxury condo but I kind of want you all to go to hell.  No offense or anything.

The Anacostia river should not be used as a moat that protects you from poor people.  These are the people that get you your venti skim latte, clean your bathrooms and take care of your children every day.  Go ahead and buy your $100000000000000000 penthouse apartment in NoMa from the imperial lords of architecture.  Let the housing prices do the dirty work of pushing all the low incomers out of "your" neighborhood. *cat hiss*