Tuesday, December 31, 2013

more of my mom

Seeing my mom is always a joy, a frustrating, baffling, spectacular joy.  Whenever I go to stay with her she's always prepared to keep me as comfortable as humanly possible.  This Christmas was no exception.

Mom:  Now, Jenna, if you get cold I normally keep the thermostat at about 68 degrees, so please feel free to turn it up in the middle of the night if you need to.

Me:  No problem, mom, I'm sure I'll be fine.

Mom:  I'm serious, just turn it up and don't worry about me, I like it cold but I don't want you to freeze.

Me:  I'll be fine.

Mom:  Do you know how to work the thermostat?  You just push the up or down buttons--

Me:  I know how to use it, I'll adjust it if I need to.

Mom:  --cause I just hate the idea of you being cold if you'd rather just turn it up.

Me:  Mom, I'll be fine.

Mom:  What temperature do you normally keep your apartment at?

Me:  I normally keep it at about--

Mom:  --I'm going to just go ahead and turn it up to 70.

Me:  *head explodes*

And, of course, no visit to her house is complete without her showing me where all the necessary documents and trinkets of inheritance in her house are located.

Mom:  Now Jenna come here, I just want to make sure you know where everything is when I go.  *opens cabinets*  

Here is where the power of attorney is and all the paperwork on my retirement and my will.  It's all divided up between you and your brother and sister.  Your brother and sister are getting 33% but I'm giving you 34% because you're the youngest and you don't have any kids (?).  

Now come in here and I'll show you the lock box where I keep the uncirculated state quarters.  The quarters are hidden throughout the house, this is just one set.  Make sure you check throughout the house for them, I don't want them to get into anyone else's hands.  And they are for you, not for a husband or significant other, they are YOURS.  I had a set for your father but he's not getting them now.  

I also have the marbles you used to play with as a child, do you want those now?  I think your brother might fight you for them so why don't you go ahead and take them home with you?

And there was the time she tried to take a picture of my boyfriend and I in front of the tree with his phone and she mistakenly turned it backwards so we saw a screen full of her puzzled face searching for the view finder.

Jenna, I don't see anything.  I can't find the hole that I look through.  I can't see!

The worst part?  As I said before, I am just like her.  I'm on a 35 year delay, but soon enough I'll have my house guests rolling their eyes and begging me to stop.

Jenna, please JUST STOP (interrupting the movie they're watching to talk about the time I got into a fight with my brother at a Wendy's / showing them things they don't need to see or things I've shown them a million times before / trying to make them comfortable while ironically succeeding in making them uncomfortable).

Fucking heredity.