Wednesday, October 26, 2011

the least attractive

The Huffington Post was kind enough to break down the statistics I was already quite aware of, which puts both Baltimore & DC in the list of the most unattractive people in the U.S. To which I replied GET ME HOME RIGHT NOW PLEASE. May my feet have wings! Fly me back to the land of beauty!

I think it is best to look on the bright side in these situations. Sure, I'm leaving a country of beautiful, beautiful men. And I mean, they're everywhere. You're on the bus, hot guy. You go to the supermarket, hot guy. You walk down the street in the morning to go to work, hot guy. I think you get the idea. That being said, since I'm leaving to go home to one of the ugliest cities in America I should do something to cheer myself up.

First, let's just try to forget about this beautiful boludo above that came from Rosario, Argentina.

Remember that Argentina is also the country that brought us these men...

Carlos Tevez - No this is not a caveman dressed in modern sports attire. This thick-necked man was born in 1984 in Ciudadela, Buenos Aires, Argentina.

Leo Messi - Admittedly I like this guy a lot. His soccer skills are incredible, and, depending on the face he's making on the field, he ain't so bad. But this picture really confuses me. Should I be attracted to him here? Or should I be asking around to all my gay guy friends to see who wants a go at him?

Diego Maradona - One of the greatest soccer players of all time. He may be divine athletically (or was, at least back in the 80s) but aesthetically divine he is not.

Let's go back a little further so I can give myself further reassurance here.

Bartolome Mitre - Liberal President during 1860s. Wearer of John Wilkes Booth hair and Samuel Morse beard.

Jose de San Martin - Main leader of the South American independence movement in the 1800s. Crossed the Andes on horseback which sounds really, really hard. Good at being spooked by things to his left.

And here was his wife - Maria de los Remedios de Escalada - daaaaaaaaaaammmmnnnnn... Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF.

Not feeling so bad anymore. :)

Sunday, October 23, 2011

what i'm going to miss

When I think about my time here slowly ticking away it makes me sad. I'm really excited to get back home to my friends, family & everything else, too, though. So it's a weird, inexplicable mix of sad and happy. Here are a few things I'll miss about being here:

The random things -

- a man sitting on a doorstep reading a Spanish translation of a Sidney Sheldon novel

- the butt crack of a man bent over the passenger seat of his taxi with the door open and his taxi hood up, seemingly fixing the car from the inside

- a car driving down the road that has been transformed into a tank covered in books

- a man on the side of the road at 10 o'clock at night going through an open computer monitor

- a hobo's dong poking through the hole of his onesy

- attractive bus drivers (sorry, DC metro employees but you usually don't have it going on like that)

- stores in which you can't buy just one pair of shoes, you must buy four pairs of shoes on your first visit or you have to leave (actually, this I won't miss)

- no longer flinching when I hear explosions from protests outside on 9 de Julio while I'm teaching at one of my companies

- the worst haircuts I have ever seen in my life, and I've been through the U.S. south a ton of times

More to come, I'm sure...

Thursday, October 20, 2011

me and cats

I have come to realize that since I've been here I have collected a pathetically large amount of pictures** of me with cats. "You can take my men but you can never take my cats!!!" - Mel Gibson in Braveheart

**Please do notice, if you haven't already, the tiled picture of the cat in my blog background. Sorry, I know the number of adorable kitty photos is gratuitous but you shouldn't be here if you don't like cats, dick.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

be uninterested

I recently had a conversation with a guy friend of mine here about a guy that I was interested in who dropped off the face of the earth after we had a few dates.

My guy friend seemed pretty baffled about this boy's sudden disappearance. He said, "I don't know what could have happened, I thought he liked you." And after that he looked at me and asked me a question with the same tone as someone who was asking their friend if they left a candle burning near the curtains in their bedroom at home. "Did you show signs that you were really interested?"

I thought for a second. "Of course not," I responded, "I tried to make it clear that I really hated him whenever we were together."

What the fuck kind of question is this? I definitely don't blame my friend for asking it because everyone asks it. In the world of dating you have to show just the right amount of interest and disinterest in order to trick the other person into liking you. I can only speak from the female point of view, here. I know that men suffer their own tortures in dating, too, but I'm not talking about that right now.

As a woman, if you say something or do something that shows you are too interested in a guy they read this pretty clearly as "let's have children together, tomorrow." The meanings of what we say and do are as clear as the color coding for a mood ring. For example, while on a date if you mention that you thought about them the other day, this means that you imagined how you would look in your wedding dress as you walked down the aisle toward him in his tux. If you say that you told your friends about him this means that you picked flowers together to play the he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not game and then played the 4th grade game "MASH" for a half hour to see what city you will live in together and how many children you will have.

In order to avoid scaring the guys that you are really interested in, I believe it's important to do the following to make it clear that you're uninterested and therefore win his affections -

1. Always avoid eye contact.
2. Call him by the wrong name sometimes while you're out to dinner.
3. If he offers to pay for dinner or drinks tell him "sure, thanks for nothing, dick" and then leave without him.
4. Try to trip him while you're walking down the street together.
5. If he does something affectionate like grab your hand or put his arm around you scream shout in his face.
6. If he calls or texts you, never respond. And, of course, never text him first, psycho, what are you in love or something?
7. When he asks about some of your interests just belch in response.

This ought to do it. I can't guarantee it will work if you don't follow each of these tips strictly but it probably will. You'll have him in the palm of your hand.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

a few pictures

Here are a few snapshots from the past few weeks -

Two of my favorite things in life. Kittens & koffee. (and being kute with my kords, woops almost worked- words)

Lovely view out of the kitchen window. Along with the plant Katya bought Beatrice, still alive and well.

Some $2 peso books from a used book place.

We made sushi! I say we but it was mostly other people and I enjoyed the eating part.

For one day I brushed my teeth with the littlest toothbrush. This is what happens when you're cheap and buy the least expensive toothbrush at the pharmacy. It falls when you're in the shower and breaks in two. And yes I wear a thumb ring. So what? Who cares?

Hacking my gmail account.

It was an election year for the mayor of Buenos Aires. This was one of the flyers for the challenger, Filmus. Smushed into the sidewalk. :( He did not win. Macri, the incumbent, pretty much won by a landslide. Macri had a ton of ads all OVER the city. He's got dark teeth. Not yellow, just dark. I don't understand either.

My friend Alison had a 1920's flapper party for her birthday. This is not Alison, though. This is Jenny. She doesn't seem to know why someone's taking her picture in this moment.

The view out of the window in the hallway outside my bedroom.

In front of a whimsical musical mural.

Random Michael Jackson look-a-like dance party. This was a surprise, a real gem. As I crossed the street one Sunday I noticed I was crossing alongside Jacko Michael Jackson and Michael Jackson from the video Beat It as well. And then I realized there were Michael Jacksons everywhere, all around me. They were all going to this disorganized dance party near the obeslico in the center of the city. I could only stay for 4 songs but I'm so happy that I did, it was a random treasure. The set list went like this - 1. The Way You Make Me Feel 2. Blood on the Dancefloor 3. The Way You Make Me Feel 4. Blood on the Dancefloor. Yes, I know, I don't understand either.

Monday, October 3, 2011

let me tell you about YOUR country

It's amazing how much people seem to know about the U.S. here. I know because they tell me how much they know all the time. Or at least, what they think they know. A number of my students, (who haven't ever actually visited the U.S.) tell me in a exaggeratedly disgusted way that we do nothing but consume, (buy shit and eat fast food). I mostly just sit patiently and listen, because for me it's interesting to get an idea of how some people see us. Plus, there's no need for me to talk since they never ask me how it is in my personal experience, they just tell me what they already know about my country.

"You've got a lot of fat people." "Obama is an idiot." "You guys get involved in everything."

As much as I may criticize my country while I'm there, when I'm away I often want to defend my country and the people that live there. Sure, we produce a lot of shit that's bad for people, McDonald's, Coca-Cola, Ford automobiles. Sure, we consume a ton of shit. But these critics who lecture me on my country are the same people who ask their friends who are visiting Miami to bring them back clothes, shoes, computers, ipods, etc. Hell, they're just as hooked as we are.

Everyone "knows a lot" about the U.S. but many Americans can't even find Argentina on a map. I'd be willing to bet money my family still can't and I'm living here. My own dad thought, and if I'm being honest with myself, probably still continues to think, that I'm in Brazil.

on the phone 4 months after arriving

Me: "Brazil? No Dad, that's actually another country altogether, I'd need a different, special visa to--"

My Dad: *cutting me off* "Alright because Tom Brady is in Rio right now with his Brazilian girlfriend and I thought you may get lucky and spot him in the city."

Me: "I'll try to see if I can find him."

The people I talk to typically seem to be on one side of the spectrum, they hate the U.S. and what it stands for or they love it all. The parts that some people love about the U.S. are unfortunately not all the same things I love, like that we all hate our immigrants and want the rich to keep their hard earned money without paying high taxes. These beliefs are generalizations, obviously not all Americans love all of these things.

You already know I have my fair share of generalizations regarding Argentina, but that doesn't make them true for everyone that lives here. They don't all have squidbillie haircuts and mullets, they don't all lie to their girlfriends and wives about having multiple other girlfriends, not every woman has long straight hair.

If I've learned anything it's that I probably shouldn't/definitely can't generalize about other countries TO people from those countries, because if they're anything like me, they don't care for it too much. Nobody needs a lecture about how terrible their country is and how it could improve.

Except for France, to hell with those fuckers. hahaha! (is she kidding?) hahahaha...