Thursday, December 6, 2012

gift dilemma

Every year I face the same difficult question.  What should I get my brother and his girlfriend for Christmas?  To provide some background and help explain why this is such a dilemma, my brother is 11 years older than me and likes over sized button-up shirts like he likes his low-rider trucks; flaming and conspicuous.  He also likes the Redskins enough to hang a picture of Joe Gibbs in a frame in his house.  And my brother's girlfriend likes my brother who likes all of these aforementioned things.  To be crystal clear, I stand on the exact opposite side of all of this.  My shirts are appropriately fitted and flameless.  My wall is Joe-Gibbs-in-a-frameless.

In the past I bought them both movie pass gift certificates to go and see whatever they wanted.  They chose Paul Blart: Mall Cop.  Now, do I take that risk again this year and hope that my money isn't somehow spent on one of the worst movies ever made?  Are there any Kevin James movies set to come out in 2013?  According to his IMDB page Grown Ups 2 is in post production next year...

To be completely honest I'm really not in a position to criticize other people's movies choices too harshly, I once saw Reno 911! Miami in theaters and...heaven strike me dead... Twilight.

So live and let live, right?  Movie passes it is!  Go with God, passes.  Ashes to ashes, Kevin James to Kevin James.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

who hates america?

Sometimes I like to punish myself by looking at things that put me into a rage.  A small dose of rage is good for the body, probably.  Like a teaspoon of Dimetapp when you're a young, sick toddler or a healthy adult who just happens to like the delicious grape taste.

I recently hopped on the appropriately titled "Things Liberals Hate" group page on Facebook for a lark.  And oh what fun it was to ride on a one horse open sleigh of insanity.  As was foretold, I hated these things, but decided to read on despite my hate.

I found this bit of gold (which these wacky uber non-liberals would suggest I pocket immediately since the US dollar is apparently going down a literal toilet being flushed by Obama himself):


Look, I may not shit red, white and blue, or play the star spangled banner on a trumpet when I wake up every morning, or have one of those big black eagles attached to the outside of my house.  You KNOW what I'm talking about, I googled the following phrases hoping to find a good visual for you:

black eagle outside of house
eagle posted on house
eagle on my house

And finally found luck with this one:
eagle on the house patriotic

Theeeeeerrreeee it is.

I may not have this eagle, this unofficial badge of patriotism, on my house, and I may say some not-so-nice things about my country sometimes, but that doesn't mean I hate America.

It's called being realistic.  I can squawk all day about the pledge of allegiance and apple pie and how fucking great this country is and not say anything bad about it ever, but that's a joke.

Is this country great?  Sure.  Has this country trampled on a lot of other countries and ignored others in order to claw its way to the top to become great?  Sure.  Does this country have a lot of creative ideas being generated every day?  Sure.  Does this country have citizens who threaten to kill their own president over 30 times every day mostly because he's black and that scares them? Sure.  It's a complicated, hypocritical world, but admitting faults doesn't have to mean you hate something.

I would much rather be a citizen who looks critically at their own country, A. because we can and other countries can't and we should be pretty fucking proud of and grateful for that, and B. maybe if we realize our faults we can work on them and become an even greater country.

Isn't that something uber non-liberals can get behind?
What is greater than great?  Greater!
Greater > Great.

Now I've typed "great" so  many times I don't even know if it's an actual word or if I've spelled it correctly.  Now that's what it means to love America!

Yes!
http://www.animationplayhouse.com/lorry/fireworks3.gif



Wednesday, November 7, 2012

politics and family

Earlier this week I got a cryptic email from my aunt & uncle who I haven't heard from in a long time:

Hey Jenna – The whole family is so proud of you. We know you are very dedicated to the good of humanity and working with other countries. We hope you know that we as a nation and middle class people need your age to realize that what is happening in our economy is detrimental to the country. We need a change – not what is happening. My friends and children are losing their houses and jobs. Is that what we want? Just think about it for you and future families. I felt impelled to send this email to you and would love to hear your feelings. We need to keep in touch. Love you. – [Aunt and Uncle]

Hmmm, this was sent to me just before the election...  We need a change...not what is happening [now under President Obama, I guess].  They're feeling impelled to contact me regarding their concerns about what's happening right now...  Could they be trying to make me think about voting for Romney?  Could they be presuming I don't follow politics and understand what's happening in this country?  Could they be assuming I'm just some ill-informed liberal on the brink of voting for Obama *gasp* AGAIN!?

Well, just in case any of these possibilities could be the case, here was my response:

Hi guys,
It's good to hear from you!  I'm sorry things have not been going well for your friends and family.  I know I feel extremely grateful to have found a job this year, if not I would not have been able to pay for my student loans or have any sort of healthcare coverage.  That's why, to me and many other people my age, student loans and healthcare are very important topics during this election season.  Student loans bear most of the debts my generation will carry for a good part of our lives, so it's important to have a president who understands these burdens and will work to reform them to make them affordable.  I personally don't want a candidate whose advice is to simply "ask my parents for money" to attend college.  For middle and lower income families, that is not an option.  That was not an option for me, but at least I was lucky enough to have parents who co-signed for my loans, many low income individuals who imperatively need an education to advance, don't have that option.

Healthcare is another extremely important topic for me and I'm so thrilled at the prospect of the Affordable Care Act.  Though ACA is not universal healthcare, we are taking a step in the right direction, as a responsible and powerful country, to take care of the people who live here.  Universal healthcare is a system that has been in existence in Europe and has worked exceptionally well for many countries there.  Is it perfect?  Certainly not, but at least those who need basic care will have access to it and that boosts the country overall.  Mitt Romney set up a successful form of universal healthcare in the state of Massachusetts.  You wouldn't really know it because he doesn't talk about it since it doesn't align with what his party wants for the country and he's quite good at telling people what they want to hear rather than stating exactly what he believes and wants for this country.  If I were him, I would be proud of this accomplishment.  I work for a non-profit in Montgomery County, Maryland, that assists clinics that provide services to those without health insurance.  Their patients are the "lazy takers," often working two or more jobs to take care of their friends and family but still can't seem to find adequate and affordable health insurance.  

I voted for a president who wants to allow a woman to make decisions about her own body, not to call back into question laws that were passed 40 years ago.  There are many other issues we need to be concerned about, just as you said, jobs, for example, rather than scrambling desperately to go back to a time in which men had more control over the bodies and decisions of women.  In addition, I voted for a president who wants a woman to receive the same pay as a man, who doesn't tell some distracting anecdote about binders of women that says nothing about bringing women beside men in the job market, not steps behind, as we've always been.  I voted for a president who would renew the Violence Against Women Act which protects thousands of women across the country from various forms of violence.  I voted for a president who, in his first days in office, signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act which states that the 180-day statute of limitations for filing an equal-pay lawsuit regarding pay discrimination resets with each new paycheck affected by that action, therefore protecting those seeking justice in cases of discriminatory compensation. I would not vote for a president who shares the party of individuals who have clung, with everything they have, to bigotry, misogyny and racism. 

In terms of those losing their jobs and homes, that is especially sad.  If I were in that position I would want a president who would stand with me and understand it was his responsibility to care about me, even if I'm within the 47% that "doesn't pay taxes or take responsibility for their own lives."  It is a president's job to care about the entire country, not just an elite few.  I could go on but I think this explains my thoughts.  I have a feeling we may not agree on these things, it might be best if we don't talk politics.  

Take care!

Love,
Jenna




(No response from them so far but they may be in a fallout shelter or on their way to another country to live right now, so I'll give them some time.)


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

open letter to the bathroom stall lady

To the lady in the bathroom stall next to mine at work this afternoon,

Why would you disturb the sweet, placid silence of a bathroom with your groans?  Seriously, you and I were the only ones in that bathroom, and I was in the stall next to you and I heard you groaning and you know I heard you.  Come on!!  You scared me to death in there.

The newspapers piled around your feet signified a break well spent, taking your time in the bathroom while catching up on election news and damages caused by Hurricane Sandy.  But your audible groans signified supplications to a higher power, or unseen hemorrhoid seraphim.

You made me wash my hands faster than usual, so as to get the fuck away from whatever was happening/trying to happen behind that closed stall door.  Today is the day of demons and I just hope you are able to face and slay yours.

I wish I were brave enough to have helped you in your plight, instead of escaping in haste.  Perhaps I could have offered a few words of comfort or ran swiftly out to the local CVS or Rite Aid to pick up a container of Tucks® to provide a much needed burst of cooling witch hazel relief for your suffering.



But escape I did.  Now I can only pray for your independent success.  May you ride out this storm safely.

Forever yours,
Jenna

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Governor $$$$ $$$$$$

Shouldn't it be enough that Romney has enough money to get to travel the deep seas in some sort of post modern tricked out submarine coffin when he dies?  Shouldn't it be enough that he and his great great great grandparents and their children and their children's children and their children's dog and his 50 children and their children will all live together in heaven's paradise for all eternity after he dies?  Mormons get to have all that, right?  Even though they are constantly reminding us of how totally normal they are?  I mean, that would be enough for me, but it's clearly not enough for Mittens.

Nope, he just has to be president so he can take us back to a more distant time when women didn't vote traditional government style that praises all wealthy white men Americans and hands-off government only when it comes to ignoring corrupt business but not when it comes to a women's right to make decisions about her own body.  You know, guys, like when Reagan was president and every day was like a fucking Harvard frat party.  Money, money, money, money....money!


But I'm just jealous of his money, right?  Yeah, probably.  I've always wanted a tricked out means of conveyance (maybe even a personalized license plate that says ASSDIVA or something clever).  As for the family/eternity part, I've heard my great grandmother was a pretty mean, ghastly, banshee of a West Virginian back country woman, so that doesn't appeal to me that much.

More than anything else I'm just tired of the same old shit, the same old rich white guy skipping through the open door to whatever-the-fuck-he-wants.  And I'm tired of him trying to tell me how hard he's had it and how much he had to work to get to the top.  As the saying goes, when you're born on third base, you shouldn't go around thinking you hit a triple.  (GO NATS! GO O's!)  I'm really sorry if I'm offending all the rich white guys of the world, but I'm sure with a little time and a handkerchief made out of rare five thousand dollar bills, you can pick up the pieces of your life and continue to rule the world and keep the other 99% safely squeezed under the heel of your Salvatore Ferragamo 'Faraone' Cap Toe Oxfords.


Wednesday, September 19, 2012

flushing power

I started a new job on Monday.  Everything's going very well so far.  My only complaint right now is the flushing power of the toilet in the office.  It's too powerful.

I've been around a lot of toilets in my day and it seems like what all humans want is a happy median when it comes to flushing power.  Nobody benefits from a toilet with a flushing power so weak that it seems to run on the wind produced by hamster farts.  This may arguably be the worst flushing power one can come across.  Nobody should ever have to face the fear and panic produced by a toilet that has not the power to carry your waste to a better, faraway place.  I've been there, you've been there, too.  It's not a good place.  And when you come out of the bathroom sweating, 20 minutes later, after having invented several awful ways to take the waste out of sight, and all of your coworkers are staring at you and you can't look them in the eyes, that's a shame we shouldn't have to bear.

But I discovered a new flushing power problem that goes to the other extreme.  A flushing power so strong, so loud, a flushing power that your great grandparents dreamed about.  If I could go back in time, I'd tell my great grandparents, be careful what you wish for, and also, sorry you never got to see the internet.  The toilets in my office flush so powerfully that I have to turn my face away, for fear it will be sprayed with a back splash of toilet water.  In the bible, Lot's family was not supposed to turn back to look at their burning town, lest they be turned to salt, (which of course, Lot's wife had to fucking turn around anyway because, CURIOSITY, also, in case you haven't noticed, women in the bible can't do ANYTHING right).  Fortunately for me, I've opted for protection over curiosity so far, but that still leaves my back unprotected from toilet droplets.

Is this a real problem?  Absolutely not.  The point of this story is:

A. I like my new job. 

and

B. Toilet flushing technology can become overzealous if we're not careful.

Let's calm down a little bit, turn down the dial.  I don't need a toilet so powerful that it can also suck up my hopes and dreams and possibly soul, while spewing microscopic poop pieces at my person.  P!!!  I guess we can't have it all, though, can we.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

great benefits

You brought me confusion beyond recognition.

You brought me wet toilet paper.

You brought me a jug-sized refill bottle of Softsoap sitting on the sink, with what appeared to be a pubic hair clinging to the top of it, to wash my hands in the bathroom.

What I'm trying to say is, thank you.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

for nacho - 1990


Nacho is a very funny Argentine guy who is married to my friend, Joanna.  I met them both while I was there and I think they are great people and I can't wait for them to come back to the U.S. to live!  Also, the first time I met Nacho he asked me if I was popular in high school.  I liked him instantly.

Nacho has spent more than the first quarter of his life living in Argentina, so he will have a lot of catching up to do on all of the ridiculousness of U.S. pop culture.  So I'm taking it upon myself to help him along and study up on the stuff that really matters when you're living in the U.S.: silly shit.  I've decided to start with the 90s, specifically with 1990, because it is one of the most fun and a very essential decade for him to study up on ahead of time before he arrives.  To give him a taste, I googled "1990" and these are the images that came up:

This says nothing and yet says so much.  We're not even scratching the surface yet, but this is a start.

Here are a few key things you should remember about 1990 in the U.S.  There's a lot, I couldn't give you all of it, and you probably wouldn't want me to anyway.  Forgive me if you had some of this in Argentina, and if you haven't, you're welcome.

TV:
Beverly Hills, 90210 - Older sisters across the U.S. watched this show religiously, specifically mine.  It's the epitome of 90's fashion.

That big doof Brian Austin Green is married to Megan Fox.  So, you know, anything's possible in America.

Movies:
If you haven't already, watch these great 90s classics:
Pretty Woman - Julia Roberts, prostitute, steals the heart of a rich business man, Richard Gere, becomes classy lady.
Dances with Wolves - Kevin Costner hanging out with Native Americans(?) To be honest, I have no idea what happens in that movie I just remember seeing pictures of Kevin Costner in big cloaks and feathers.
Ghost - Patrick Swayze dies, makes Demi Moore sad, Whoopi Goldberg is a medium who can speak to Patrick Swayze while he's dead.

Kindergarten Cop - You've been eating other people's lunches?  STOP IT!
Who is ya daddy, and what does he do?




Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I fucking LOVED them when I was little.




Music:
2 amazing one-hit wonders:
1. M.C. Hammer - U Can't Touch This - If you think this doesn't still come on my iPod a few times a month, you're WRONG.  It does.  THOSE PANTS!!!

Pay attention at 2:40 - I want to see you doing this at your wedding next month.



2. Vanilla Ice - Ice, ice baby -
That shit is on point.  Also very similar to Queen & Bowie's "Under Pressure," right?  He got sued for that.




I know you don't like rap very much, but you have to know LL Cool J.  He licks his lips a lot and the ladies love it.





Paula Abdul - Opposites Attract -
Paula Abdul hangs out with a cartoon cat, or something, that can really dance.  It's weird to think of them together, having sex.  Try not to think about that when you watch this.




I'll let Joanna fill you in on anything I missed.

Hope you enjoyed 1990!  See you in 1991!



Tuesday, July 31, 2012

detail oriented

When you're in an interview trying to put your best self forward, it's always important to be honest.  I thought that's what I was doing when I explained in my interview a few months ago that I'm not detail oriented.  That's my weakness.  Yes, I know, the one fucking thing companies look for, it's not my strength.  Did I follow up by saying that I was working on improving that weakness through a variety of tasks, giving examples such as A, B and C?  You bet your balls I did.  You can't just say "I suck" in an interview and not try to explain why.

But your weakness is still your weakness, even if you admit it and say you're working on it.  I mean, come on, even if Superman's at an interview and reveals his one weakness, you're probably not going to hire him to head the kryptonite plant, it's just poor judgement.

But, by some stroke of ridiculous dumb luck, Superman gets the job anyway!  Now should Superman have applied for that job in the first place?  Certainly not, but Superman really, really needed a job at the time because he was living with his mom in North Carolina and he didn't care where or how he got it, he just needed that job so get off my damn back!!

I mean, get off Superman's back.  Get off of Superman's back, please.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

better ways

I just saw the Dark Knight Rises.  I loved it.  But I have a question.  Are there better, more practical ways to ride a motorcycle?



Probably not.  I get it.  Anne Hathaway is hot.  Her body looks amazing in black leather, especially her ass.

But, for a minute, let's imagine Batman riding through Gotham City to kill bad guys and fight crime positioned like he's taking it doggystyle.  Capeless with puckered butt to the world.  Would that make sense?  Would we accept that?  Or would we say, "wait a minute, Batman.  Let's think this through.  Don't wear those heels, they make it harder for you to run.  Also, don't ride your motorcycle so sexually, there are probably better ways to do that, too."

Can we imagine that world?

Of course maybe Batman would just say, "nope, this is the best way, thanks."  As he sashays away in his heels.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

brown eyed sham

Brown eyes can be great.  They can be very dark and penetrating.  They can also be light and otherworldly.  Or they can be my eye color: shit stain.  For those of you who have been given the gift of shit stain colored eyes, use it with gloved caution.

Even though we all know the truth deep down, there are still some people out there who try to pretend like brown eyes are great.  This is all silly, feigned bullshit.  Who are we kidding?  Van Morrison is a HUGE culprit of this:

Slipping and sliding
All along the waterfall with you
My brown eyed girl
You my brown eyed girl.


Do you remember when we used to sing,
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da

I don't, actually.

Please forgive me, Van, but your sham song can kiss my brown eyed ass.


2:53 - bit by bit by bit by bit by bit by bit!

Monday, June 25, 2012

thank you, kotex!

I'd like to take this moment to thank Kotex and, frankly, all feminine products for their conspicuous and fluorescent pride.

In case you're a man or you use a diva cup, or both, I'll fill you in.


Look at the pads leaning casually and sexily against the box up there.  Pretty hot, huh?  Maybe they're trying to make us forget that they catch period blood?


The packaging for tampons and pads, (or feminine napkins if that makes you feel more comfortable, but I already said period blood once so if you kept reading after that, you should be able to make it through the rest of this okay), is reliably bright with the most neon of colors available.  Which, of course, makes perfect sense.  Because when I'm walking to the bathroom at work carrying something I'm trying to hide, it should be the most eye-catching HIGHLIGHTER YELLOW or BRIGHT NEON PINK to draw attention away from my embarrassed face.

It's also especially fun when you're pulling things out of your purse, searching for your keys, and out comes a beacon of light known as a tampon in SUN RAY ORANGE.  Hello, crowd at the metro!

Or you open a drawer to quickly and stealthily pull out a pair of underwear or a human head or whatever you're pulling out of a drawer quickly, and BAM - FUCKING PURPLE.  Must be my feminine napkin because nothing else on this earth is colored so goddam brightly.

So, thanks, Kotex, for always letting everyone know I'm on my period.

Monday, June 4, 2012

the bee gees

I was really sad to hear about the passing of one of the Gibb brothers, recently.  So, feeling inspired, I decided to look up some information on the Bee Gees to improve my wealth of useless knowledge that I will never need.

According to Wikipedia, I discovered they were from the Isle of Man which I would have assumed was made up if it weren't for the fact that I met someone who was from there when I was in Argentina.  I'm still not entirely convinced that's really where she was from though.  Maybe she's paid by the Bee Gees dynasty to help perpetuate the existence of this "Isle of Man."  But I digress.

Wikipedia told me a lot of interesting tidbits, like the fact that Barry was the older brother and Robin and Maurice were fraternal twins.  But it didn't tell me whether or not they were gay.  I decided to send this question out into the universe that is the monster-genius internet.  Where did I turn for answers?  Where does anyone turn?  WikiAnswers. (Yahoo Answers didn't have an answer)

WikiAnswers gave me this:
Question: 
are the bee gees gay?
Answer:
Michael Jackson also had 3 kids and he's gay as a window -(Takerpoo)

Takerpoo had an interesting point, but it still didn't bring me the answer I wanted.  For example: yes or no.

So I decided to do a spiritual Google image search and let my own mind decide based on what I saw.  I found an image that gave me all the answer I could ever need...



And the answer was no.  The Bee Gees are not gay.


Now, friends, enjoy Jive Talkin'



Saturday, June 2, 2012

it's now or never


Elvis knew exactly what he was doing.  This song came on my ipod recently and made me laugh.  It's all there in the title: "It's now or never."  Elvis was so smooth he could take a coerced one night stand and turn it into the most beautiful poetry.  I'm sure this came from several particular experiences he had, too.
Elvis:  Look, babe, I'm leaving in the morning, so are we gonna do this or....?
Attractive woman:  Oh, Elvis, I don't know, this is the 50s and women aren't supposed to want to just have sex and never speak to the guy again.
Elvis:  Right, right, okay.  Well, it's now or never.  And, I'm Elvis.  So can we do this or can we do this?  Do you have condoms? No?  It's cool, I'll pull out in time.  I think I'll write a song about this.

Who would say no to this guy?  And, oh, by the way, he looks like this:


No living woman would say no to that, unless it was 1977 and this Elvis was telling you he'd pull out in time:



Sure you will, fat Elvis.

Friday, May 11, 2012

my mom

It's easy to forgot how much your mom drives you crazy. When I was in Argentina, she was really looking good from several thousand miles away. Now that I'm back I'm close enough to remember all the things I'd forgotten because of nostalgia or Malbec clouding my better judgement.

Here's one example that drives me nuts, her intensity. I know this is a quality that I've already started to cultivate myself, but I'm still going to complain about it. Everyone always says you can only hate something you recognize in yourself. Nope, that wasn't everyone, that was some random quote I read years ago. Anyway, her intensity, HER INTENSITY drives me nuts. Which means one of these days my daughter or son or cat who somehow learns to speak will be complaining to their friends about MY intensity. <3 Genetics!! <3

For example -
My mother always wants you to know that no matter what she is talking about, she MEANS THE FUCK OUT OF IT. If she says she loves you, you're going to physically feel that love shooting lasers into your eyeballs and sweating out of your pores.  And it's probably going to be painful.  Not unlike what Jeff Goldblum went through when he turned into The Fly -



Oops, that is not Jeff Goldblum turning into a fly.  That is a picture of naked Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.  You get the idea, though.


Below are a few things I've heard my mom actually say.  Under that I've written what it sounds like she's saying judging by the intensity of her tone.  I've provided this picture of an angry Sally Field for assistance to accurately visualize her.



Woopsie daisy, that's a Mrs. Doubtfire poster.  Here you go...



My mom: I'm going to keep my Christmas tree up as long as I want.
Which sounded like:  Christmas will disappear with the smashing of my fist into this wall.

My mom: I'm going to get gas tonight so I don't have to worry about it when we're on the road tomorrow.
Which sounded like:  I'm going to hire a detective to help me find my kidnapped son in Mexico.

My mom: Jenna, be careful.  Your cat, Pearl, likes to lick toothbrushes since she's been staying with me.  So put a cover on yours.
Which sounded like:  Jenna, be careful.  I've placed tiny land mines strategically in the carpet throughout the house so walk softly.

My mom: Jenna....GASP....that purple shirt looks BREATHTAKING on you.
Which sounded like: Jenna...GASP.....the liquid magma is coming in under the front door.

Monday, May 7, 2012

affordable hou$$$$$ing

I love DC, don't get me wrong.  It's just that sometimes I also fucking hate it.  In particular, here's one thing I hate: lack of affordable housing.

It's like a bunch of rich architect imperial lords got together in an evil tower on Capitol Hill during a thunderstorm and asked each other "Hey! Do you have a lot of money? Yes?  Me too!  I bet most people have a lot of money, too.  And if we build expensive buildings they will give their money to us."  Then one of the guys answered, "Yep. Let's do that."  Then they all turned into bats and flew into the night to their respective expensive lofts in Dupont and Georgetown.

I'm not sure who you people are who come into this city and pay $3,000 for a one bedroom luxury condo but I kind of want you all to go to hell.  No offense or anything.

The Anacostia river should not be used as a moat that protects you from poor people.  These are the people that get you your venti skim latte, clean your bathrooms and take care of your children every day.  Go ahead and buy your $100000000000000000 penthouse apartment in NoMa from the imperial lords of architecture.  Let the housing prices do the dirty work of pushing all the low incomers out of "your" neighborhood. *cat hiss*

Sunday, April 22, 2012

ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba baby

If you aren't watching this video at least biweekly and incorporating the moves into your everyday routine, then what exactly are you doing with your life?

Monday, March 12, 2012

wisdom from mom

After pulling a muscle in my neck, my mom gave me some Icy Hot and let me know what I should expect:

Staring me dead in the eyes, serious as a heart attack:
"Now, Jenna, it's going to go on and feel cold at first, but then it gets hot."

Sunday, March 4, 2012

PUBIC, Ted.

Speaking of pubic hair, here is a great gchat I had with a friend the other day. Be warned, it's not for the faint of heart. It's graphic. Don't read it if you don't like reading about people talking about pubic hair.


Me: i was thinking of pubes the other day
at what point do they stop growing and go away?
what if u have 1 rogue hair that grows down to ur knees?
can that happen?
i bet it already has

Friend: i have no idea
haha
the longest mine have ever been never got that long
but those babies can bush up

me: right
they can disguise their length by curling up tightly
sneaky
i picture pubes like little cartoon characters rooting for one another to grow longer

Friend: of course you do

me: how do u picture ur pubes?

Friend: as they really are
they are looking to invade really
not looking for length but square footage
haha

me: they want to explore the studio space

Friend: they're always trying to invade other adjoining areas

me: hahahahaha!!!!!
now i'm picturing ur pubes dressed in old fashioned civil war uniforms with guns & bayonets

Friend: oh god
i picture them more like ninja assassins
or in a militaristic like coups

me: come on men!!! *collective cry while charging* byaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!

Friend: CHARGE!!!!
what would they be fighting?
my upper thighs and butt crack?

me: less noticeable leg and abdomen hair
there, men!!
get into the crevasse!!!!!

Friday, March 2, 2012

public hair

Remembering Middle School gym class during the sexual education portion of the year...


Ted (dingbat middle school student): Mr. Rhodes! Mr. Rhodes! There's a typo in this book. Shouldn't it say "PUBLIC" hair?

Mr. Rhodes (in requisite gym teacher purple swishy track suit): No. It's PUBIC, Ted.



Thank you, Meagan, for these memories.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

...and i'm a mormon



23 GRANDKIDS??????!!!!!

I'm sorry, that's all I got out of this. I forgot everything he said before and after that.

I have seen these Mormon commercials a lot lately. I guess it's supposed to make me think they're just like everybody else and not some strange...I don't know...sea creatures? Is that what we think of Mormons? Well not anymore. Now I just think they are good-natured, hardworking baby making machines.

Look, I want a winning football team as much as the next guy, but I can't be expected to produce it on my own! Good for you for trying, though, Mormons!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

babies on footballs


Hi, I'm not a parent, so I'm saying this carefully with all due respect, parents. Please stop doing this. FUCK!!!

Who decided putting a naked newborn baby on a football was a great idea? What are you trying to tell us? You're going to spike your newborn baby onto the ground? You're going to attempt to throw him or her into the end zone?

Okay, I get that you love football, very original. I love ghost stories, feminisim and the tv show Frasier, among many things. Would I put my baby on a Edgar Allan Poe book? On top of a limited edition of the Feminine Mystique? On the DVD case of the 11th and final season of the critically acclaimed 90s sitcom? NO.

Maybe it's the fact that the baby is so small, the fact that it's the size of a football that makes you want to digitally capture that moment forever. Would you rather your wife had given birth to a pigskin signed by Joe Montana instead? And, yes, I'm directing this more to men because a woman wouldn't come up with this photo idea by herself. She's probably just going to be happy her husband gives a damn about possible poses for the baby's first photo shoot so this was not even an argument. "Sure, honey. On top of a football. That could be really cute!"

You know what else I would've accepted besides "naked on top of football"? Baby dressed as John McEnroe in a little tennis uniform flicking off a referee. Baby dressed as Brandi Chastain with its shirt in one hand and the other arm raised with a triumphant fist. Baby dressed as Michael Vick being arrested with two stuffed animal dogs fighting in the background, now that's a photo!!!

So, again, I'm going to make one more plea. Stop putting your naked, sleeping baby on a football and documenting it.

Monday, February 20, 2012

abstinence only!

Here's a great idea!! Let's pretend that sex doesn't exist and just ignore it and not talk to our kids about it and it will go away. It makes me really uncomfortable to address sex like an adult, so a great tactic I do is cover my ears and close my eyes and yell "eeeewwww! and "evil!!!" whenever somebody starts talking about it.

Facts like 1 in every 4 sexually active teens has an STI and 40% of older adolescents believe that birth control pills and shots prevent STIs and HIV are scary. But I think what I'll do to help these problems is throw some abstinence pamphlets at my teens and then slip awkwardly from the room. I don't know where these "sexually active" teens are living, not in my town, because teens don't have sex, of course they couldn't, because they're not married yet. So if I just keep pretending like it's not happening because I won't let myself see it, everything's cool.

I'll put earplugs in so I can't hear people tell me that teens who are educated through abstinence only programs are less likely to use condoms, and more likely to choose other unprotected forms of sex including oral and anal, without contraception. Nope! Sorry!! Can't hear you!!! Just like my little niece walking through the mall yesterday with her iPod earphones in, I'll yell in response to anybody who tries to talk to me.

Maybe if I listen less and speak louder, the hedonist comprehensive sex education people will get tired of trying to educate and corrupt me and just go away. That way I can keep pumping billions of dollars into a program that ignores human nature and shames people, not quite enough to keep them from having sex, but from using contraception that will shield them from the STIs I never told them existed to begin with. I'll just keep punishing the youth of America because I have a personal problem with addressing the concept of sex on a mature level.

And if all of this fails I'll just remind them that they'll go to hell if they do it and take pleasure in knowing I'm morally above them.

Monday, February 6, 2012

sexy ads

I guess sometimes it's easy to forget how sexual advertising can get. Or maybe it's not, I don't know.

Here are a few hilariously sexualized ads that are just pricelessly inappropriate:

This ad says: You are a woman who wants to look sexy in her jeans, comfort is for homely chicks. These jeans are best worn on a perfect, flexible body while writhing around on the hood of a classic car.
Bottom line = Put your bottom line in these mother fuckin jeans.



This ad says: If you buy this champagne a beautiful girl will help you open it in style. First we'll just put the bottle at dick-level, open it one-handed with the other hand on our hip, have some wind blow through our hair, take a picture and done. The second part of this involves you imagining that bottle of champagne is actually your ejaculating penis.
Bottom line: Drink this and you will blow a load.


This ad says: Whatever you did was wrong, but probably sexy somehow, and for that you can't be forgiven. But at least you were wearing that strangely insulting perfume. And now P. Diddy is going to maybe sexually assault you. Wait, what?
Bottom line: Wear this perfume and get punished for wearing a patronizing perfume.


This ad says: Wear this flashy, expensive suit and be attractive and a gorgeous blonde will sit next to you and rub her breasts and you'll be too cool to even notice.
Bottom line: Nice suit = boob rubbins.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

you and i both know...

...Jamie Lee Curtis doesn't give a shit about our irregularity.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

ok, cupid, that's enough




My friend recently decided to try online dating. Her expectations have been low but they continue to get lower as she dives deeper into the crevasse of social castaways. There are plenty of regular people who do online dating. Normal people with normal head shapes, sometimes even beautiful head shapes and head features. But, of course, there are quite a few duds, like bridge troll duds. My friend told me after a night of searching profiles in her area, the majority of them were "red-faced, partial facial hair, backwards baseball cap wearers." :*(

I decided, for a lark, to take a gander at the guys where I am, here in North Carolina. Shits and giggles. The result? Plenty of shit and giggles.

I set up a profile on okcupid which required me only to put up a picture of myself. ("You must be in the photo! Full nudity, extreme close ups, pets, cars, baby photos, artwork, images you’ve added yourself to, etc. are not allowed. Rule breaking photos will be deleted.") After my profile was "set up" I looked through a few pictures, got bored and discouraged and decided to call it a night. The gems would come my way the following few days, after some people found my profile and decided to reach out to me. Bless their hearts for putting themselves out there. But these things need to be laughed at, so here we go...

I received messages from, and I shit you not on these usernames:

fuzzytoez
Mike_Dizzle
CrazyWisdomTomb
TrappedInaDeam

Here's what CrazyWisdomTomb had to say in his first message to me:
Did you do anything fun over the holidays? One of my crazy relatives came into town and staying at my parents house. I went over there to visit and she told me she was going to only have a "little" wine because she didn't want to make a scene. I later found out that "little" is actually defined as: exactly 5 bottles. And "not want to make a scene" means talking to my grandma about sexual positions, and literally howling like a dog in my parents back yard (she is in her 60's). But that's what holidays are all about right? Do you have any crazy relatives?


Dammit, WisdomTomb!! Why didn't you save this big gun for our first date? Look, I know family disappointment and embarrassment. My brother once picked me up from the bus stop on a tractor. But I'm not going to pour that on you without having even heard your voice. Kudos for the honesty, though. Good luck with your drunk aunt.

And maxpower2551:
hey!
so i was wondering if you'd be interested in talking and maybe possibly hooking up? i'm not looking for just a one time thing but more like occasional, i'm just not really looking for a serious relationship right now and i haven't been with anyone in a while so i guess i am a little desperate. Lol. and don't get me wrong cause i have Never done this before. and i know i don't have any pics of me posted up but if you would seriously be interested i can send you pics of me so you can know and see who you're talking to. hope to hear from you soon! ; )
-sorry for being so bluntly rude and straight forward, just being honest ; )


Good thing he slipped "talking" before "possibly hooking up" because I would've thought he was a total dick who only wanted to have sex and nothing else. His random capitalization in the middle of sentences and lack of pictures on his profile makes me worry that he may be missing a few teeth and those teeth may be right up front where everybody can see where they would be if they were still there. Needless to say, I've never been so flattered in my life, and I can't wait for us to have sex together, (after talking, of course).

So, yes, online dating. I'd have better luck going to a bar, blindfolding myself and using my sense of touch to find a decent guy with a good head shape. So that's probably what I'll do.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

i look like...

I was at a liquor store, a while ago, with a friend buying... alcohol ... and the woman behind the counter gave me what I think she thought was a compliment. She stared at me for a while before she gave me my total and then, while pointing at me, said I looked like a mix between Sigourney Weaver and Sally Field. She quickly added "the younger version" when she saw my smile falter, but it was too late. The damage was done.



These women are movie stars, I should be happy, right? Except that both of these women are my mom's age. And my mom was old when she had me. And what random women, huh? "You look like two older movie stars who were more active in the 70s and 80s than the 90s or today." Should I say thank you? Or should I slap this woman with the very credit card I'm using to pay for my alcohol?

Also, not all thoughts like this should be shared. Unless you're telling me I look like Hotty Current McHollywood, maybe you better keep that to yourself. My friend knows a guy who she thinks looks exactly like Lionheart from the Carebears because of his face and big flowing mane of red hair. Would she ever tell this guy? No. I've seen guys that look like Steve Zahn. Would I go out of my way to tell them that mildly offensive fact? No.

So here's to keeping some things to ourselves.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

too god damn clever

Life lesson learned: Don't give your number to people you don't want to hear from just to be nice. I made this mistake in DC the other night after some heavy drinking and dancing. I gave my number to some guy before I left with my friends and this is the text I get the next day:

Text 1:
"So I'm (one of) the fairly inebriated guys with whom you spoke with last night.. You were staring in the film, 'The Red Hat Drops' as I recall.."

Text 2:
"I wanted to commend you on your acting chops. My name's John btw."



Alright,
#1 - I didn't talk to that many drunk guys so much as swat them away by speaking at them and then leaving their line of vision.
#2 - It's starring not staring.
#3 - This is fucking dripping with the cleverness I'm getting really tired of hearing. I mean, I guess he should get an A for effort and creativity, I suppose, but what about a "hey, we met last night, how's it going?" I don't need a re-enactment via text of what you think happened when we met.

I'd rather you cut the bullshit:
"I'm a guy you talked to last night and I was drunk and you probably were, too.. You muttered some shit about how you dropped your red hat..."
"and then you picked up your red hat like a normal person in a bar because all the world's not a stage. My name's John btw."



Even though I'd rather walk over hot coals then see this fucker again, I still had to text him back with something because I don't like to be ignored when I put myself out there:

"Hi, thanks, john! To be honest, i'm going back to north carolina tomorrow, i don't live around here, it was nice to meet you, though."

To which he replied: "word"

As if it wasn't obvious in the first texts he sent me, just so you know, this guy was white and had no business saying "word."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

john cougar mellencamp



I can always count on Cougar Mellencamp to make me feel patriotic as FUCK.

This song makes me want to nod my head at a stranger/fellow American I meet in a gas station somewhere in the south or midwest who coincidentally is also buying a bag of doritos, pork rinds and an Arizona iced tea.

This song makes me want to slap my son's back in a playful way if I were a man and his baseball coach and we had just lost the tournament game, but hey, life ain't so bad, little guy. **American flag flies in the background** Now let's go to Dairy Queen!

This song makes me want to shake my head in slow motion while laughing and giving the thumbs up at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert to a silly, middle-aged passerby dressed in hot pants that say "Free Bird" on the butt.

This song makes me want to chase a bison on a horse just because.

This song makes me want to crack open a Budweiser and then drink it.

This song makes me want to marry my high school sweetheart and reminisce with him years later about how he used to be a great quarterback but now that he lost his job at the plant, I want to throw it up in his face that he's 40 pounds overweight and hasn't touched a football in 10 years.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

totally looks like

1 step closer to being a baldwin, i wasn't even trying, this happened organically ...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

vanilla

Since my mind is still mostly in Argentina, here is a little snippet about a guy I met there several months ago...


This was the time I chose plain vanilla. Canadian. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Here I was in the land of exotic limited-time, special edition flavors like delicious caramel and toffee. I chose vanilla. (Honestly the caramel probably would've given me gas anyway) It started off great right off the bat as I walked into a conversation he was having with my friend Jenny about how much he hated the U.S...

Sidebar: People from other countries LOVE to talk shit about the U.S. to U.S. citizens. It's like the U.S. is the star quarterback from that famous football team that is currently winning in the playoffs.

"You heard about that quarterback that slept with all those sexy women and has all that money and is handsome? Well, I heard he steals money from other quarterbacks and he has a big hairy mole on his back that he never shows anyone and also he has a misshapen anus"

And in response you feel, first, uncomfortable, how did they know that? And then, angry, because that quarterback happens to be your dad. Misshapen anus and all, he's still your blood.

Other than the red white & blue bashing he seemed pretty soft spoken and quiet, (read: uninteresting and/or uninterested, more on this later). He had on a Black Keys shirt which I thought was a plus at the time. We went on a few dates, one in which he refused to sit in a restaurant where there was karaoke, apparently his only achilles heel. I learned he worked for Haliburton (hisssssss), had lived in Indonesia for a while and traveled all over the world, even built a motorbike to travel from the U.S. to Mexico.

What did he have to say about these amazingly interesting things? Mostly nothing. He talked about them as matter-of-factly as I talk about having to buy face wash at CVS or that I found a tiny pile of cat puke on the corner of my bed comforter, (even then I probably sounded more animated than him). I have such a knack for finding guys who are void of emotion, feeling and excitement, I'm starting to think I emit an odor that only they can smell. I am the chum and these indifferent mother fuckers are the hammerheads that circle me. Am I a character in an Ayn Rand book?

He eventually went to work in Patagonia for a while which was probably just okay to him. "These glaciers are kind of nice," he probably said, to nobody. Aufedersein, safe, sad, aryan prince.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

my cd collection

I've been back from Buenos Aires for almost a month now. Instead of addressing that, I'd rather talk about something much funnier, my cd collection.

My best friends were nice enough to store my mondo-booklet of cds at their place and I got it back a week ago and have rediscovered the joys of cds in my car. This big booklet of worthless cds that skip on every song may have almost convinced me that I should have children one day. This legacy must be passed down. The Ford family has its automobiles, the Kennedy family has its sex scandals & strange deaths, the Hall family has ridiculous tastes in music and cds that never play successfully all the way through.

This is how my interaction would go, (in 10-20 years when I decide to have kids, and then add another 10 to that so that the kid has reached the appropriate age in which they realize how silly his/her parent is):


Child: The Matrix soundtrack, mom? Why would you have THIS?
Me: Honey, you'd never understand how cool I was roaring down route 50 at 65 miles an hour in my 2004 Chevy Cavalier with the amenities of a radio flyer red wagon listening to Marilyn Manson, The Prodigy and Rob Zombie.
Child: What's a Chevy Cavalier?

Child: Mom, why do you have all these "mixed cds" that are labeled so lazily? This one just says "Cutting Edge, Oak Ridge Boys, Etc." This one says "Stir the pot." This one says "Pop" with either a bubble or a poorly drawn olive on it. What does that even mean?
Me: We will never know, those cds stopped playing at least 15 years ago.

Child: Who is "Super Troopers"?
Me: Woops, that's actually a DVD, let me get that out of there.

Child: Natalie Merchant, Weezer, The Verve Pipe, The Black Crowes, Green Day, geez, mom, there sure are a lot of 90s in here.
Me: (still defensive over my 90s music soft spot after all these years) Oh yeah? YOU are a lot of 90s in here.