Tuesday, January 31, 2012

you and i both know...

...Jamie Lee Curtis doesn't give a shit about our irregularity.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

ok, cupid, that's enough

My friend recently decided to try online dating. Her expectations have been low but they continue to get lower as she dives deeper into the crevasse of social castaways. There are plenty of regular people who do online dating. Normal people with normal head shapes, sometimes even beautiful head shapes and head features. But, of course, there are quite a few duds, like bridge troll duds. My friend told me after a night of searching profiles in her area, the majority of them were "red-faced, partial facial hair, backwards baseball cap wearers." :*(

I decided, for a lark, to take a gander at the guys where I am, here in North Carolina. Shits and giggles. The result? Plenty of shit and giggles.

I set up a profile on okcupid which required me only to put up a picture of myself. ("You must be in the photo! Full nudity, extreme close ups, pets, cars, baby photos, artwork, images you’ve added yourself to, etc. are not allowed. Rule breaking photos will be deleted.") After my profile was "set up" I looked through a few pictures, got bored and discouraged and decided to call it a night. The gems would come my way the following few days, after some people found my profile and decided to reach out to me. Bless their hearts for putting themselves out there. But these things need to be laughed at, so here we go...

I received messages from, and I shit you not on these usernames:


Here's what CrazyWisdomTomb had to say in his first message to me:
Did you do anything fun over the holidays? One of my crazy relatives came into town and staying at my parents house. I went over there to visit and she told me she was going to only have a "little" wine because she didn't want to make a scene. I later found out that "little" is actually defined as: exactly 5 bottles. And "not want to make a scene" means talking to my grandma about sexual positions, and literally howling like a dog in my parents back yard (she is in her 60's). But that's what holidays are all about right? Do you have any crazy relatives?

Dammit, WisdomTomb!! Why didn't you save this big gun for our first date? Look, I know family disappointment and embarrassment. My brother once picked me up from the bus stop on a tractor. But I'm not going to pour that on you without having even heard your voice. Kudos for the honesty, though. Good luck with your drunk aunt.

And maxpower2551:
so i was wondering if you'd be interested in talking and maybe possibly hooking up? i'm not looking for just a one time thing but more like occasional, i'm just not really looking for a serious relationship right now and i haven't been with anyone in a while so i guess i am a little desperate. Lol. and don't get me wrong cause i have Never done this before. and i know i don't have any pics of me posted up but if you would seriously be interested i can send you pics of me so you can know and see who you're talking to. hope to hear from you soon! ; )
-sorry for being so bluntly rude and straight forward, just being honest ; )

Good thing he slipped "talking" before "possibly hooking up" because I would've thought he was a total dick who only wanted to have sex and nothing else. His random capitalization in the middle of sentences and lack of pictures on his profile makes me worry that he may be missing a few teeth and those teeth may be right up front where everybody can see where they would be if they were still there. Needless to say, I've never been so flattered in my life, and I can't wait for us to have sex together, (after talking, of course).

So, yes, online dating. I'd have better luck going to a bar, blindfolding myself and using my sense of touch to find a decent guy with a good head shape. So that's probably what I'll do.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

i look like...

I was at a liquor store, a while ago, with a friend buying... alcohol ... and the woman behind the counter gave me what I think she thought was a compliment. She stared at me for a while before she gave me my total and then, while pointing at me, said I looked like a mix between Sigourney Weaver and Sally Field. She quickly added "the younger version" when she saw my smile falter, but it was too late. The damage was done.

These women are movie stars, I should be happy, right? Except that both of these women are my mom's age. And my mom was old when she had me. And what random women, huh? "You look like two older movie stars who were more active in the 70s and 80s than the 90s or today." Should I say thank you? Or should I slap this woman with the very credit card I'm using to pay for my alcohol?

Also, not all thoughts like this should be shared. Unless you're telling me I look like Hotty Current McHollywood, maybe you better keep that to yourself. My friend knows a guy who she thinks looks exactly like Lionheart from the Carebears because of his face and big flowing mane of red hair. Would she ever tell this guy? No. I've seen guys that look like Steve Zahn. Would I go out of my way to tell them that mildly offensive fact? No.

So here's to keeping some things to ourselves.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

too god damn clever

Life lesson learned: Don't give your number to people you don't want to hear from just to be nice. I made this mistake in DC the other night after some heavy drinking and dancing. I gave my number to some guy before I left with my friends and this is the text I get the next day:

Text 1:
"So I'm (one of) the fairly inebriated guys with whom you spoke with last night.. You were staring in the film, 'The Red Hat Drops' as I recall.."

Text 2:
"I wanted to commend you on your acting chops. My name's John btw."

#1 - I didn't talk to that many drunk guys so much as swat them away by speaking at them and then leaving their line of vision.
#2 - It's starring not staring.
#3 - This is fucking dripping with the cleverness I'm getting really tired of hearing. I mean, I guess he should get an A for effort and creativity, I suppose, but what about a "hey, we met last night, how's it going?" I don't need a re-enactment via text of what you think happened when we met.

I'd rather you cut the bullshit:
"I'm a guy you talked to last night and I was drunk and you probably were, too.. You muttered some shit about how you dropped your red hat..."
"and then you picked up your red hat like a normal person in a bar because all the world's not a stage. My name's John btw."

Even though I'd rather walk over hot coals then see this fucker again, I still had to text him back with something because I don't like to be ignored when I put myself out there:

"Hi, thanks, john! To be honest, i'm going back to north carolina tomorrow, i don't live around here, it was nice to meet you, though."

To which he replied: "word"

As if it wasn't obvious in the first texts he sent me, just so you know, this guy was white and had no business saying "word."

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

john cougar mellencamp

I can always count on Cougar Mellencamp to make me feel patriotic as FUCK.

This song makes me want to nod my head at a stranger/fellow American I meet in a gas station somewhere in the south or midwest who coincidentally is also buying a bag of doritos, pork rinds and an Arizona iced tea.

This song makes me want to slap my son's back in a playful way if I were a man and his baseball coach and we had just lost the tournament game, but hey, life ain't so bad, little guy. **American flag flies in the background** Now let's go to Dairy Queen!

This song makes me want to shake my head in slow motion while laughing and giving the thumbs up at a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert to a silly, middle-aged passerby dressed in hot pants that say "Free Bird" on the butt.

This song makes me want to chase a bison on a horse just because.

This song makes me want to crack open a Budweiser and then drink it.

This song makes me want to marry my high school sweetheart and reminisce with him years later about how he used to be a great quarterback but now that he lost his job at the plant, I want to throw it up in his face that he's 40 pounds overweight and hasn't touched a football in 10 years.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

totally looks like

1 step closer to being a baldwin, i wasn't even trying, this happened organically ...

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


Since my mind is still mostly in Argentina, here is a little snippet about a guy I met there several months ago...

This was the time I chose plain vanilla. Canadian. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Here I was in the land of exotic limited-time, special edition flavors like delicious caramel and toffee. I chose vanilla. (Honestly the caramel probably would've given me gas anyway) It started off great right off the bat as I walked into a conversation he was having with my friend Jenny about how much he hated the U.S...

Sidebar: People from other countries LOVE to talk shit about the U.S. to U.S. citizens. It's like the U.S. is the star quarterback from that famous football team that is currently winning in the playoffs.

"You heard about that quarterback that slept with all those sexy women and has all that money and is handsome? Well, I heard he steals money from other quarterbacks and he has a big hairy mole on his back that he never shows anyone and also he has a misshapen anus"

And in response you feel, first, uncomfortable, how did they know that? And then, angry, because that quarterback happens to be your dad. Misshapen anus and all, he's still your blood.

Other than the red white & blue bashing he seemed pretty soft spoken and quiet, (read: uninteresting and/or uninterested, more on this later). He had on a Black Keys shirt which I thought was a plus at the time. We went on a few dates, one in which he refused to sit in a restaurant where there was karaoke, apparently his only achilles heel. I learned he worked for Haliburton (hisssssss), had lived in Indonesia for a while and traveled all over the world, even built a motorbike to travel from the U.S. to Mexico.

What did he have to say about these amazingly interesting things? Mostly nothing. He talked about them as matter-of-factly as I talk about having to buy face wash at CVS or that I found a tiny pile of cat puke on the corner of my bed comforter, (even then I probably sounded more animated than him). I have such a knack for finding guys who are void of emotion, feeling and excitement, I'm starting to think I emit an odor that only they can smell. I am the chum and these indifferent mother fuckers are the hammerheads that circle me. Am I a character in an Ayn Rand book?

He eventually went to work in Patagonia for a while which was probably just okay to him. "These glaciers are kind of nice," he probably said, to nobody. Aufedersein, safe, sad, aryan prince.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

my cd collection

I've been back from Buenos Aires for almost a month now. Instead of addressing that, I'd rather talk about something much funnier, my cd collection.

My best friends were nice enough to store my mondo-booklet of cds at their place and I got it back a week ago and have rediscovered the joys of cds in my car. This big booklet of worthless cds that skip on every song may have almost convinced me that I should have children one day. This legacy must be passed down. The Ford family has its automobiles, the Kennedy family has its sex scandals & strange deaths, the Hall family has ridiculous tastes in music and cds that never play successfully all the way through.

This is how my interaction would go, (in 10-20 years when I decide to have kids, and then add another 10 to that so that the kid has reached the appropriate age in which they realize how silly his/her parent is):

Child: The Matrix soundtrack, mom? Why would you have THIS?
Me: Honey, you'd never understand how cool I was roaring down route 50 at 65 miles an hour in my 2004 Chevy Cavalier with the amenities of a radio flyer red wagon listening to Marilyn Manson, The Prodigy and Rob Zombie.
Child: What's a Chevy Cavalier?

Child: Mom, why do you have all these "mixed cds" that are labeled so lazily? This one just says "Cutting Edge, Oak Ridge Boys, Etc." This one says "Stir the pot." This one says "Pop" with either a bubble or a poorly drawn olive on it. What does that even mean?
Me: We will never know, those cds stopped playing at least 15 years ago.

Child: Who is "Super Troopers"?
Me: Woops, that's actually a DVD, let me get that out of there.

Child: Natalie Merchant, Weezer, The Verve Pipe, The Black Crowes, Green Day, geez, mom, there sure are a lot of 90s in here.
Me: (still defensive over my 90s music soft spot after all these years) Oh yeah? YOU are a lot of 90s in here.