Friday, September 30, 2011

taxes

The biggest pain in my ass this year has been filing my income taxes. "But it's September!" You may be thinking, and you would be right! It is indeed September, and my fucking taxes have yet to be processed and the money has yet to be delivered to my sad excuse for a bank account. With the useless assistance of TurboTax I have been battling from abroad and hating every minute of it. As I'm typing this Cher's "Believe" has just come on randomly on my iTunes and I have instantly become angrier. Why the FUCK do I even HAVE this song??

State Taxes -
These were mailed in back in January and were, of course, lost in the mail. I picture my little envelope sitting on a ship bound for the South Pacific, ready to soak up some sun and enjoy paradise. Yes, the envelope itself is out to get me and has chosen a different destination rather than the sad and angry building in Baltimore where passive aggressiveness and resentment is a requirement if you want to work there. I can't say I blame the little fucker. However, here I am without the pathetic $300 or so that I've been promised. But don't worry, I can still get it. I called and got it all spelled out for me. All I have to do is do backflips through 495 during rush hour and then hitch a ride with a trucker named Gil, his name has to be Gil or it won't count. Gil must then drop me off at the airport where I fly to Arabia (that's not even a real destination!) to retrieve a magic lamp which I must then rub. A genie will appear with my lost W2 forms and then all I have to do is figure out how to fly back (because the genie won't grant me any wishes not involving taxes). Then once I'm back I just have to put them in the mail again and pray they don't make their way to the South Pacific AGAIN, cause then I'd have to start all over.

Federal Taxes** -
They've been rejected through TurboTax at least 9 times since I've gone through to readjust them and make the necessary changes they asked me to do. Ages ago I called TurboTax who told me I had to call the IRS who then told me I had to call TurboTax who then told me I had to call the IRS. Efficiency doesn't even begin to describe this process. And all for $700!! I was talking to a Brazilian friend of mine recently who was living in the states for about 4 years on a work visa who said he hired an accountant to take care of his taxes for him. "To my surprise I ended up receiving about $7,000! Hiring an accountant was the best thing I did." As he was saying this I smiled a sad, miserable smile of death and hoped that the anger I had in my head would be enough to voodoo curse him somehow. "Imagine that!" I said to him. If I hired an accountant for my MEASLY $700 I would probably end up owing the accountant my first born son and my best goat and I don't EVEN OWN ANY GOATS.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK*

*PLEASE forgive this terrible, angry post, you've caught me right after speaking with Dee on the phone from the MD tax office. I think I'll just steal away to the Andes and live off the land for a while. That sounds easier than all this bullshit.

**Update - My federal taxes have been accepted and will be direct deposited sometime this month. This is thanks to a wonderful and patient woman at TurboTax by the name of Alison who must've seen that at some point yesterday, before I spoke with her, I had placed "fuck you" in the comments section where it asked me to rate their service.

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