Wednesday, September 14, 2011


For those who have been blessed with hair of silken perfection, good for you assholes. I don't know if it's the water or some ancient spell cast on me by gypsies but for the past few months my hair has been a hot, hot mess. Oily at the roots like I haven't washed it for days and dry at the ends like I should stop washing it for days. I've tried a lot of things to remedy this problem. Like 4 or 5 different shampoos for starters. I tried shampooing twice. I stopped using conditioner altogether.

I even tried an apple cider vinegar rinse. Which just ended up making me smell vinegar in my hair all the next day which of course made me paranoid. I walked down the street that day passing men and thinking, it is I, Seductrica, here to impair your good judgement with my stink. I'm silent but deadly. And just in case the fumes aren't enough to seal the deal, you can't tell, but under this big purple coat and beneath my pants I have unexplained pimples right above my ass that may just be a rash because I read somewhere that you can't get pimples in that area of your body.

Here's me giving almost no fucks about my hair smelling like vinegar.

But seriously, that day I made my students smell my head that day and they said it was fine. Sure, they could've been lying. But most of them probably wouldn't miss an opportunity to insult me. Today I had my hair pulled back with one of those headbands to hold it slickly in place. One of my students asked me if I was going to play tennis today. At first I didn't really catch his drift until he said, "because your hair looks like that."

I looked at him like this:

A look sprinkled with just the right amount of self-disappointment, slight indifference and acknowledgement of fact.

No, really I love this student, honestly. But HONESTLY I could use a little less honesty sometimes from the people here. FINE, people, I already know I'm not really feminine enough for this country. My hair is short, my posture is bad, my clothes are different from other women's clothes here, I regularly have a Bea Arthur look on my face when I'm walking on the street. You could give Elijah Wood some girl's dress pants and a stack of English books and send him to my classes and my students wouldn't know the difference between us. "His chest looks a little more full," they'd probably say, pointing to Elijah.

At least I don't have head lice anymore, right? Yep, I had head lice. Yes, adults can get head lice, too. I still have my shampoo just to be on the safe side, though.

I hope I get the chance to meet the person who came up with the name for this shampoo. Maybe some of that genius will rub off on me. Much like the lice from the hair of some douche bag rubbed off onto my hair somehow a few months ago.

Hair. The End.


  1. I died reading this. DIED. From the perfect picture of your facial expressions painted by your Bea Arthur reference to the Elijah Wood wearing dress pants to ASSY. Just... fucking hilarious. I feel bad for laughing at your life, but because of your brilliant writing skills, I feel as if I'm laughing WITH you... though that's probably not totally true. ;-) xoxo Keep it comin'.

  2. i see you came clean about Assy use to the internet. I would too, its hard to keep that under wraps when its so funny. Great post, enjoying these quite a bit.