Monday, February 20, 2012

abstinence only!

Here's a great idea!! Let's pretend that sex doesn't exist and just ignore it and not talk to our kids about it and it will go away. It makes me really uncomfortable to address sex like an adult, so a great tactic I do is cover my ears and close my eyes and yell "eeeewwww! and "evil!!!" whenever somebody starts talking about it.

Facts like 1 in every 4 sexually active teens has an STI and 40% of older adolescents believe that birth control pills and shots prevent STIs and HIV are scary. But I think what I'll do to help these problems is throw some abstinence pamphlets at my teens and then slip awkwardly from the room. I don't know where these "sexually active" teens are living, not in my town, because teens don't have sex, of course they couldn't, because they're not married yet. So if I just keep pretending like it's not happening because I won't let myself see it, everything's cool.

I'll put earplugs in so I can't hear people tell me that teens who are educated through abstinence only programs are less likely to use condoms, and more likely to choose other unprotected forms of sex including oral and anal, without contraception. Nope! Sorry!! Can't hear you!!! Just like my little niece walking through the mall yesterday with her iPod earphones in, I'll yell in response to anybody who tries to talk to me.

Maybe if I listen less and speak louder, the hedonist comprehensive sex education people will get tired of trying to educate and corrupt me and just go away. That way I can keep pumping billions of dollars into a program that ignores human nature and shames people, not quite enough to keep them from having sex, but from using contraception that will shield them from the STIs I never told them existed to begin with. I'll just keep punishing the youth of America because I have a personal problem with addressing the concept of sex on a mature level.

And if all of this fails I'll just remind them that they'll go to hell if they do it and take pleasure in knowing I'm morally above them.

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