Tuesday, February 21, 2012

babies on footballs


Hi, I'm not a parent, so I'm saying this carefully with all due respect, parents. Please stop doing this. FUCK!!!

Who decided putting a naked newborn baby on a football was a great idea? What are you trying to tell us? You're going to spike your newborn baby onto the ground? You're going to attempt to throw him or her into the end zone?

Okay, I get that you love football, very original. I love ghost stories, feminisim and the tv show Frasier, among many things. Would I put my baby on a Edgar Allan Poe book? On top of a limited edition of the Feminine Mystique? On the DVD case of the 11th and final season of the critically acclaimed 90s sitcom? NO.

Maybe it's the fact that the baby is so small, the fact that it's the size of a football that makes you want to digitally capture that moment forever. Would you rather your wife had given birth to a pigskin signed by Joe Montana instead? And, yes, I'm directing this more to men because a woman wouldn't come up with this photo idea by herself. She's probably just going to be happy her husband gives a damn about possible poses for the baby's first photo shoot so this was not even an argument. "Sure, honey. On top of a football. That could be really cute!"

You know what else I would've accepted besides "naked on top of football"? Baby dressed as John McEnroe in a little tennis uniform flicking off a referee. Baby dressed as Brandi Chastain with its shirt in one hand and the other arm raised with a triumphant fist. Baby dressed as Michael Vick being arrested with two stuffed animal dogs fighting in the background, now that's a photo!!!

So, again, I'm going to make one more plea. Stop putting your naked, sleeping baby on a football and documenting it.

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