thank you, kotex!

I'd like to take this moment to thank Kotex and, frankly, all feminine products for their conspicuous and fluorescent pride.

In case you're a man or you use a diva cup, or both, I'll fill you in.

Look at the pads leaning casually and sexily against the box up there.  Pretty hot, huh?  Maybe they're trying to make us forget that they catch period blood?

The packaging for tampons and pads, (or feminine napkins if that makes you feel more comfortable, but I already said period blood once so if you kept reading after that, you should be able to make it through the rest of this okay), is reliably bright with the most neon of colors available.  Which, of course, makes perfect sense.  Because when I'm walking to the bathroom at work carrying something I'm trying to hide, it should be the most eye-catching HIGHLIGHTER YELLOW or BRIGHT NEON PINK to draw attention away from my embarrassed face.

It's also especially fun when you're pulling things out of your purse, searching for your keys, and out comes a beacon of light known as a tampon in SUN RAY ORANGE.  Hello, crowd at the metro!

Or you open a drawer to quickly and stealthily pull out a pair of underwear or a human head or whatever you're pulling out of a drawer quickly, and BAM - FUCKING PURPLE.  Must be my feminine napkin because nothing else on this earth is colored so goddam brightly.

So, thanks, Kotex, for always letting everyone know I'm on my period.

the bee gees

I was really sad to hear about the passing of one of the Gibb brothers, recently.  So, feeling inspired, I decided to look up some information on the Bee Gees to improve my wealth of useless knowledge that I will never need.

According to Wikipedia, I discovered they were from the Isle of Man which I would have assumed was made up if it weren't for the fact that I met someone who was from there when I was in Argentina.  I'm still not entirely convinced that's really where she was from though.  Maybe she's paid by the Bee Gees dynasty to help perpetuate the existence of this "Isle of Man."  But I digress.

Wikipedia told me a lot of interesting tidbits, like the fact that Barry was the older brother and Robin and Maurice were fraternal twins.  But it didn't tell me whether or not they were gay.  I decided to send this question out into the universe that is the monster-genius internet.  Where did I turn for answers?  Where does anyone turn?  WikiAnswers. (Yahoo Answers didn't have an answer)

WikiAnswers gave me this:

Question: 

are the bee gees gay?

Answer:

Michael Jackson also had 3 kids and he's gay as a window -(Takerpoo)

Takerpoo had an interesting point, but it still didn't bring me the answer I wanted.  For example: yes or no.

So I decided to do a spiritual Google image search and let my own mind decide based on what I saw.  I found an image that gave me all the answer I could ever need...

And the answer was no.  The Bee Gees are not gay.


Now, friends, enjoy Jive Talkin'

it's now or never

Elvis knew exactly what he was doing.  This song came on my ipod recently and made me laugh.  It's all there in the title: "It's now or never."  Elvis was so smooth he could take a coerced one night stand and turn it into the most beautiful poetry.  I'm sure this came from several particular experiences he had, too.

Elvis:  Look, babe, I'm leaving in the morning, so are we gonna do this or....?

Attractive woman:  Oh, Elvis, I don't know, this is the 50s and women aren't supposed to want to just have sex and never speak to the guy again.

Elvis:  Right, right, okay.  Well, it's now or never.  And, I'm Elvis.  So can we do this or can we do this?  Do you have condoms? No?  It's cool, I'll pull out in time.  I think I'll write a song about this.

Who would say no to this guy?  And, oh, by the way, he looks like this:

No living woman would say no to that, unless it was 1977 and this Elvis was telling you he'd pull out in time:

Sure you will, fat Elvis.

my mom

It's easy to forgot how much your mom drives you crazy. When I was in Argentina, she was really looking good from several thousand miles away. Now that I'm back I'm close enough to remember all the things I'd forgotten because of nostalgia or Malbec clouding my better judgement.

Here's one example that drives me nuts, her intensity. I know this is a quality that I've already started to cultivate myself, but I'm still going to complain about it. Everyone always says you can only hate something you recognize in yourself. Nope, that wasn't everyone, that was some random quote I read years ago. Anyway, her intensity, HER INTENSITY drives me nuts. Which means one of these days my daughter or son or cat who somehow learns to speak will be complaining to their friends about MY intensity. <3 Genetics!! <3

For example -
My mother always wants you to know that no matter what she is talking about, she MEANS THE FUCK OUT OF IT. If she says she loves you, you're going to physically feel that love shooting lasers into your eyeballs and sweating out of your pores.  And it's probably going to be painful.  Not unlike what Jeff Goldblum went through when he turned into The Fly -

Oops, that is not Jeff Goldblum turning into a fly.  That is a picture of naked Jeff Goldblum in The Fly.  You get the idea, though.


Below are a few things I've heard my mom actually say.  Under that I've written what it sounds like she's saying judging by the intensity of her tone.  I've provided this picture of an angry Sally Field for assistance to accurately visualize her.

Woopsie daisy, that's a Mrs. Doubtfire poster.  Here you go...

My mom: I'm going to keep my Christmas tree up as long as I want.
Which sounded like:  Christmas will disappear with the smashing of my fist into this wall.

My mom: I'm going to get gas tonight so I don't have to worry about it when we're on the road tomorrow.
Which sounded like:  I'm going to hire a detective to help me find my kidnapped son in Mexico.

My mom: Jenna, be careful.  Your cat, Pearl, likes to lick toothbrushes since she's been staying with me.  So put a cover on yours.
Which sounded like:  Jenna, be careful.  I've placed tiny land mines strategically in the carpet throughout the house so walk softly.

My mom: Jenna....GASP....that purple shirt looks BREATHTAKING on you.
Which sounded like: Jenna...GASP.....the liquid magma is coming in under the front door.

affordable hou$$$$$ing

I love DC, don't get me wrong.  It's just that sometimes I also fucking hate it.  In particular, here's one thing I hate: lack of affordable housing.

It's like a bunch of rich architect imperial lords got together in an evil tower on Capitol Hill during a thunderstorm and asked each other "Hey! Do you have a lot of money? Yes?  Me too!  I bet most people have a lot of money, too.  And if we build expensive buildings they will give their money to us."  Then one of the guys answered, "Yep. Let's do that."  Then they all turned into bats and flew into the night to their respective expensive lofts in Dupont and Georgetown.

I'm not sure who you people are who come into this city and pay $3,000 for a one bedroom luxury condo but I kind of want you all to go to hell.  No offense or anything.

The Anacostia river should not be used as a moat that protects you from poor people.  These are the people that get you your venti skim latte, clean your bathrooms and take care of your children every day.  Go ahead and buy your $100000000000000000 penthouse apartment in NoMa from the imperial lords of architecture.  Let the housing prices do the dirty work of pushing all the low incomers out of "your" neighborhood. *cat hiss*

ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba baby

If you aren't watching this video at least biweekly and incorporating the moves into your everyday routine, then what exactly are you doing with your life?

wisdom from mom

After pulling a muscle in my neck, my mom gave me some Icy Hot and let me know what I should expect:

Staring me dead in the eyes, serious as a heart attack:

"Now, Jenna, it's going to go on and feel cold at first, but then it gets hot."