gas

This picture has made my week so far. Here's hoping it does the same for you.

A little inspiration, perhaps? If nothing else...

screw that, eat more

Hey! Hey! Come look at how ironic this Urban Outfitters shirt is.

The model's expression just seems to scream (or indifferently whisper) "oooooo, I'm seething with hollowed emptiness about this statement being made here."

Anorexia is a big fucking deal. The irony of an underweight girl wearing a shirt saying "Eat Less" is not funny, just fucking insensitive. Girls are already reminded on a constant basis to eat less, be thinner, lose weight. I don't find it funny to put a girl in this shirt and parade her around as some sort of hegemonic symbol to shame girls who don't fit this near-impossible standard.

So Urban Outfitters can go fuck itself.

the douchebag statisticians at the university of phoenix

I was riding home on the metro yesterday and happened to notice an ad for the University of Phoenix.

Above the ad was a giant question asking - What percentage of the students at the University of Phoenix are female? Among the choices there were the following:

A. 73% (too high, could never be)
B. 67% (seems high, but more feasible)
C. 1% (haha! wouldn't THAT be funny??)

The answer was in the ad you see above - 67%.

The part that really seemed to infuriate me, though, was the insinuation of women as minorities.

The University of Phoenix is proud to be the #1 university for conferring master's degrees to minorities.

Are you SHITTING me?

No offense to those disenfranchised ethnic groups who mark "other" instead of white on all of their government forms and are judged unfairly as a result. That sucks, too. But women have always made up half of the population and yet, somehow, we are considered minorities, making up less than the majority of the population. (Maybe I haven't done my homework and the stats in every country for thousands of years has always been 51% male, 49% female, but I fucking doubt it.)

For the past several years women have been leaving men in the dust in college and university enrollment. The University of Phoenix is not the only establishment bringing in women at a rate greater than 50%. Their target base is women, I get it, but maybe they should be smarter when marketing to the women they're trying to recruit into their program. Hopefully the next generation of marketers will be a majority of women and they will be smart enough to realize that we are not minorities and never have been.

Airplane!

After a great trip this weekend to Chicago, I want to reflect on a few things that cross my mind when flying.

1 - I love riding in an airplane. LOVE it. I think taking off is the closest most ordinary people get to an otherworldly experience. I should've been a pilot, John Travolta had the right idea. But he probably decided to fly for the little pilot's cap alone.

2 - Why does most luggage have to be so boring and similar? I want the balls to get a custom suitcase with a big design of naked, sexy Donald Duck on it. That way when it comes around on the conveyor belt it will be a beacon in a sea of boring maroons and navy blues. Then I can confidently declare in front of a crowd of shocked passengers - "that one's mine!" I pick it up, shoot a knowing glance at a gawking & shocked elderly man and roll on about my business.

3 - I always think of my favorite memory of flying with my family. My mom, my dad and I were coming back from Florida (where else?) and getting close to DC. The plane had started its descent and we were going over the Potomac River bridge we are all so familiar with. The same bridge my mom would cross into Virginia for cheap cigarettes and gas. It was very close to our house and my mom was very excited to have spotted it first. I was on the aisle, my dad in the middle and my mom pointed next to the window.

My mom: "Look, Mike! The Potomac River bridge!" My dad leaned over slowly, (his only adverb).

My mom: "...MIKE look DOWN, why are you looking UP!?"

Isn't she lovely? ...well??

The gorgeous women vying for Miss USA have released some "scandalous" sexy pictures.

It's so shocking! Who would've ever thought of these women as being super sexy? I watch the pageants to hear what they have to say about world affairs, not to see their bodies float across a stage in high heels and a bikini!

Anyway, the more interesting thing I found on the site was not so much the sexy pictures, but that the public is now able to rate these women online.

5 stars = perfection and it goes all the way down to 1 star which probably = bridge troll.

The crazy thing is that not one of the 51 girls (DC's included) got more than 3 stars as an average rating.

I would be interested to see the people rating them. I'm sure they are beyond perfect. Like angels sitting at a computer screen, opening their sparkling eyes to cast judgment on these many women who do not compare to their almost painful attractiveness. They don't even have to click for their rating, they simply look at the mouse and their beauty takes control to click for them.

If these beauties are judged that harshly, I'd hate to think what people would say about the rest of us average harpies. There's not enough negative stars in the world for those ratings!

http://www.missuniverse.com/missusa/members/profile/445075

wind

Here's a fun fact that I have learned rings true more and more each day -
Mother nature doesn't give a SHIT about our plans, wants and needs.

I think we are taught from an early age that there is an inherent justice owed to us all. But that's wrong. Nobody should've promised us that life would be easy or just. The fact is that for some people life is a breeze for the most part, and a knock-down drag-out bitch for others. The only thing that exists that is fair is the occasional promise we might make to one another, allegiances made in moments when we can't see past the tips of our noses.

This all came to me in a giant helping yesterday.

I was walking to the Dupont Circle metro station on a very beautiful DC late afternoon when I encountered a problem. I was wearing a billowy skirt. It was breezy. No, windy. My beautiful afternoon walk was abruptly interrupted with the worry of holding my skirt down. I liken mother nature to a passive aggressive boss.

Me - Hey, mother nature? It's Jenna.
MN - Sorry, who?
Me - Jenna from Bethesda.
MN - I'm sorry, I don't know you. I am a big entity, you don't matter.
Me - Sure, I understand. Look, I'm wearing a skirt today, I was wondering if you could tone down the breeze a little bit.
MN - Wow, that's nice, but, I'm mother nature and I've got pollen to blow and it's going to be fucking windy.
Me - But, mother nature, it'll be embarrassing if passersby see my underwear.
MN - Not. My. Problem.

Luckily, by some stroke of grace my skirt stayed down, but not without some stress and care on my part.

It's a frustrating thing to try to bargain with world forces. When we're told that life should be fair and it's not, it's disappointing. And what is fair, exactly? Growing up poor and then experiencing upward mobility after going to college? Wanting desperately to have a child when you're sterile and magically becoming pregnant? Being born a privileged white girl with a middle class family in the rich state of Maryland and still whining? Wearing a skirt and wanting it to stay down so that nobody sees your grandmotherly underwear? I don't know.

All I'm saying is the concept of fairness is a hard one to rid from your mind, and I realized this yesterday, thanks to the wind.

image from weheartit.com

Yahoo's Dating Tips

Thank god. Yahoo has explained it all for me. Apparently, as a [smart] woman, I keep making all of these [stupid] dating mistakes [that men do not make].

8 Dating Mistakes Even Smart Women Make

Dating Mistake #1: Being Too Available
Take Sebastian, 34, from Chicago, for example: “When I was single, there were women I initially liked who seemed to be waiting by the phone for me to call, which let me know if I didn’t meet someone else I wanted to date, I had a standby. There just wasn’t anything to work for, and that turned me off,” he says.
It's hard for us women to contain ourselves when a new man floats into our lives. But if we want to keep these slick little angelfish from swimming to someone else, we must stay away from them. Let them swim to us by making them think we don't want them. We can always catch other fish, we don't need the angelfish. [get it? other fish in the sea hardy fucking har]

Inserted halfway through the article is this linked message:
"Related: 25 Things That Keep Him Hooked and Happy"
Because, for the love of god, girls, once we have one we have got to do everything in our power to keep him! And we are also responsible for his happiness and thus, his fidelity.

Dating Mistake #4: Feeling Sorry for Yourself
Ladies, stop feeling so bad about the fact that you're single [even though you shouldn't be]. You don't need a man to be happy [yes you do], isn't that what every movie and book tells you all the time? [No it's not] That's why every movie ends with the girl shirking the idea that she needs a husband or boyfriend to be happy and goes off into the sunset by herself [Bridget Jones, Muriel's Wedding, 10 things I hate about you, etc.].

Most single women know how much fun it is to have their relatives ask them if there's anyone "special" in their lives, and then lamenting when you say "no." Aaww, you're too great to be by yourself, you'll find that perfect guy soon. But women never let this bother us, because we are constantly being reassured by society that it is okay to be single, so why would we ever feel sorry for ourselves?

Dating Mistake #5: Knowing His Thread-Count Before You Know His Phone Number
Follow the advice of super-sexy leading man Gilles Marini (he was Samantha’s sexy neighbor in Sex and the City: The Movie): “Men love women who respect themselves and who do not rush into bed with them but instead go on a few dates, where they can start to gain an understanding of each other and then decide whether or not to take things further. Women need to know that taking it slow and getting to know one another is the best way to get into a good relationship,” he says.
Take it from the sexy guy from the Sex and the City Movie - this is simple enough, no man wants to date a slut. Plus, women get so attached as soon as they have sex with a guy. I can remember this time that I had sex with this guy and as I was doing it I pictured us at our wedding. When he lifted my veil in this fantasy I had an orgasm. [I lie]

Men, on the other hand, never become attached as a result of having sex with someone. Feelings and sex never go together for men, never. [not true] That is why they can have as much sex as humanly possible with many women and not even blink. But when they're looking for that special woman to settle down with, they will look to the girl who hasn't had a lot of sex. Maybe even a girl who doesn't know what a penis looks like. Inexperience is such a turn-on for them, who knows, maybe she won't know which hole it goes in. Silly, virginal women!

Another strategic link insert - See our tips: 12 Things Guys Wish You Knew in Bed
Learn everything you need to know about how to please a man, but don't practice it with too many men. You shouldn't get too good at it because no man wants a whore.

Dating Mistake #6: Being Too Selfish in Your Relationship
Women are notorious for thinking only of themselves. We never make enough sacrifices in relationships or life. When we want something we don't compromise, we just go after it. Like with careers, for example. Kids, be damned! I'm going to work! Your father can make all the arrangements for you while I'm on my business trips around the country. Maybe I'll have a few affairs while I'm gone, but, hey, that's my business.

Dating Mistake #7: Believing in The One
Instead of convincing yourself the ex you dumped was your soul mate or that perfect-but-married co-worker was your one that got away, take a cue from our male counterparts and approach the dating scene with the idea that there are plenty of men who are capable of making you laugh, sharing your values and melting your heart
Men have it all together. Just do what they do when it comes to dating and we'll be fine.

Dating Mistake #8: Forgetting Your Manners
We can’t imagine this is something you’d ever do, but a little reminder never hurts: Say thank you.
Good of you to remind me because I'm usually not thankful for anything. And if I'm in a relationship I need to thank my lucky stars for every day that passes that a man has decided to put up with me for an undisclosed amount of time. I could increase my chances of making that a longer amount of time by thanking him.


I feel so enlightened. I tried to make my own cheat sheet to print out but I couldn't get the whole article down to one page. It's probably because I'm a woman and I'm so bad with technology. Hopefully Yahoo will come out with a how-to for women and technology-related tasks. But knowing technology isn't going to get me closer to getting married, so that article wouldn't be worth reading.

Oh! And there were also a number of additional suggested readings at the end of the article -

More from Glamour:

* 10 Things He’s Thinking When You’re Naked
* 8 Sex Moves Every Woman Should Try Once
* Why He Hasn’t Proposed (Yet)
* The Fastest Way to Create Sparks with Your Boyfriend

I'll tell you the fastest way to create sparks with your boyfriend! Light a stick of dynamite and toss it to him, he'll toss it back and then you'll toss it back at him again. It could be like a relationship bonding experience that could bring you closer together [but also, possibly, further apart].

Read more gemstonery here.