Life lesson learned: Don't give your number to people you don't want to hear from just to be nice. I made this mistake in DC the other night after some heavy drinking and dancing. I gave my number to some guy before I left with my friends and this is the text I get the next day:
Text 1:
"So I'm (one of) the fairly inebriated guys with whom you spoke with last night.. You were staring in the film, 'The Red Hat Drops' as I recall.."
Text 2:
"I wanted to commend you on your acting chops. My name's John btw."
Alright,
#1 - I didn't talk to that many drunk guys so much as swat them away by speaking at them and then leaving their line of vision.
#2 - It's starring not staring.
#3 - This is fucking dripping with the cleverness I'm getting really tired of hearing. I mean, I guess he should get an A for effort and creativity, I suppose, but what about a "hey, we met last night, how's it going?" I don't need a re-enactment via text of what you think happened when we met.
I'd rather you cut the bullshit:
"I'm a guy you talked to last night and I was drunk and you probably were, too.. You muttered some shit about how you dropped your red hat..."
"and then you picked up your red hat like a normal person in a bar because all the world's not a stage. My name's John btw."
Even though I'd rather walk over hot coals then see this fucker again, I still had to text him back with something because I don't like to be ignored when I put myself out there:
"Hi, thanks, john! To be honest, i'm going back to north carolina tomorrow, i don't live around here, it was nice to meet you, though."
To which he replied: "word"
As if it wasn't obvious in the first texts he sent me, just so you know, this guy was white and had no business saying "word."
Showing posts with label dating tips. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating tips. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
vanilla
Since my mind is still mostly in Argentina, here is a little snippet about a guy I met there several months ago...
This was the time I chose plain vanilla. Canadian. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Here I was in the land of exotic limited-time, special edition flavors like delicious caramel and toffee. I chose vanilla. (Honestly the caramel probably would've given me gas anyway) It started off great right off the bat as I walked into a conversation he was having with my friend Jenny about how much he hated the U.S...
Sidebar: People from other countries LOVE to talk shit about the U.S. to U.S. citizens. It's like the U.S. is the star quarterback from that famous football team that is currently winning in the playoffs.
"You heard about that quarterback that slept with all those sexy women and has all that money and is handsome? Well, I heard he steals money from other quarterbacks and he has a big hairy mole on his back that he never shows anyone and also he has a misshapen anus"
And in response you feel, first, uncomfortable, how did they know that? And then, angry, because that quarterback happens to be your dad. Misshapen anus and all, he's still your blood.
Other than the red white & blue bashing he seemed pretty soft spoken and quiet, (read: uninteresting and/or uninterested, more on this later). He had on a Black Keys shirt which I thought was a plus at the time. We went on a few dates, one in which he refused to sit in a restaurant where there was karaoke, apparently his only achilles heel. I learned he worked for Haliburton (hisssssss), had lived in Indonesia for a while and traveled all over the world, even built a motorbike to travel from the U.S. to Mexico.
What did he have to say about these amazingly interesting things? Mostly nothing. He talked about them as matter-of-factly as I talk about having to buy face wash at CVS or that I found a tiny pile of cat puke on the corner of my bed comforter, (even then I probably sounded more animated than him). I have such a knack for finding guys who are void of emotion, feeling and excitement, I'm starting to think I emit an odor that only they can smell. I am the chum and these indifferent mother fuckers are the hammerheads that circle me. Am I a character in an Ayn Rand book?
He eventually went to work in Patagonia for a while which was probably just okay to him. "These glaciers are kind of nice," he probably said, to nobody. Aufedersein, safe, sad, aryan prince.
This was the time I chose plain vanilla. Canadian. Blonde hair, blue eyes. Here I was in the land of exotic limited-time, special edition flavors like delicious caramel and toffee. I chose vanilla. (Honestly the caramel probably would've given me gas anyway) It started off great right off the bat as I walked into a conversation he was having with my friend Jenny about how much he hated the U.S...
Sidebar: People from other countries LOVE to talk shit about the U.S. to U.S. citizens. It's like the U.S. is the star quarterback from that famous football team that is currently winning in the playoffs.
"You heard about that quarterback that slept with all those sexy women and has all that money and is handsome? Well, I heard he steals money from other quarterbacks and he has a big hairy mole on his back that he never shows anyone and also he has a misshapen anus"
And in response you feel, first, uncomfortable, how did they know that? And then, angry, because that quarterback happens to be your dad. Misshapen anus and all, he's still your blood.
Other than the red white & blue bashing he seemed pretty soft spoken and quiet, (read: uninteresting and/or uninterested, more on this later). He had on a Black Keys shirt which I thought was a plus at the time. We went on a few dates, one in which he refused to sit in a restaurant where there was karaoke, apparently his only achilles heel. I learned he worked for Haliburton (hisssssss), had lived in Indonesia for a while and traveled all over the world, even built a motorbike to travel from the U.S. to Mexico.
What did he have to say about these amazingly interesting things? Mostly nothing. He talked about them as matter-of-factly as I talk about having to buy face wash at CVS or that I found a tiny pile of cat puke on the corner of my bed comforter, (even then I probably sounded more animated than him). I have such a knack for finding guys who are void of emotion, feeling and excitement, I'm starting to think I emit an odor that only they can smell. I am the chum and these indifferent mother fuckers are the hammerheads that circle me. Am I a character in an Ayn Rand book?
He eventually went to work in Patagonia for a while which was probably just okay to him. "These glaciers are kind of nice," he probably said, to nobody. Aufedersein, safe, sad, aryan prince.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
be uninterested
I recently had a conversation with a guy friend of mine here about a guy that I was interested in who dropped off the face of the earth after we had a few dates.
My guy friend seemed pretty baffled about this boy's sudden disappearance. He said, "I don't know what could have happened, I thought he liked you." And after that he looked at me and asked me a question with the same tone as someone who was asking their friend if they left a candle burning near the curtains in their bedroom at home. "Did you show signs that you were really interested?"
I thought for a second. "Of course not," I responded, "I tried to make it clear that I really hated him whenever we were together."
What the fuck kind of question is this? I definitely don't blame my friend for asking it because everyone asks it. In the world of dating you have to show just the right amount of interest and disinterest in order to trick the other person into liking you. I can only speak from the female point of view, here. I know that men suffer their own tortures in dating, too, but I'm not talking about that right now.
As a woman, if you say something or do something that shows you are too interested in a guy they read this pretty clearly as "let's have children together, tomorrow." The meanings of what we say and do are as clear as the color coding for a mood ring. For example, while on a date if you mention that you thought about them the other day, this means that you imagined how you would look in your wedding dress as you walked down the aisle toward him in his tux. If you say that you told your friends about him this means that you picked flowers together to play the he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not game and then played the 4th grade game "MASH" for a half hour to see what city you will live in together and how many children you will have.
In order to avoid scaring the guys that you are really interested in, I believe it's important to do the following to make it clear that you're uninterested and therefore win his affections -
1. Always avoid eye contact.
2. Call him by the wrong name sometimes while you're out to dinner.
3. If he offers to pay for dinner or drinks tell him "sure, thanks for nothing, dick" and then leave without him.
4. Try to trip him while you're walking down the street together.
5. If he does something affectionate like grab your hand or put his arm around you scream shout in his face.
6. If he calls or texts you, never respond. And, of course, never text him first, psycho, what are you in love or something?
7. When he asks about some of your interests just belch in response.
This ought to do it. I can't guarantee it will work if you don't follow each of these tips strictly but it probably will. You'll have him in the palm of your hand.
My guy friend seemed pretty baffled about this boy's sudden disappearance. He said, "I don't know what could have happened, I thought he liked you." And after that he looked at me and asked me a question with the same tone as someone who was asking their friend if they left a candle burning near the curtains in their bedroom at home. "Did you show signs that you were really interested?"
I thought for a second. "Of course not," I responded, "I tried to make it clear that I really hated him whenever we were together."
What the fuck kind of question is this? I definitely don't blame my friend for asking it because everyone asks it. In the world of dating you have to show just the right amount of interest and disinterest in order to trick the other person into liking you. I can only speak from the female point of view, here. I know that men suffer their own tortures in dating, too, but I'm not talking about that right now.
As a woman, if you say something or do something that shows you are too interested in a guy they read this pretty clearly as "let's have children together, tomorrow." The meanings of what we say and do are as clear as the color coding for a mood ring. For example, while on a date if you mention that you thought about them the other day, this means that you imagined how you would look in your wedding dress as you walked down the aisle toward him in his tux. If you say that you told your friends about him this means that you picked flowers together to play the he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not game and then played the 4th grade game "MASH" for a half hour to see what city you will live in together and how many children you will have.
In order to avoid scaring the guys that you are really interested in, I believe it's important to do the following to make it clear that you're uninterested and therefore win his affections -
1. Always avoid eye contact.
2. Call him by the wrong name sometimes while you're out to dinner.
3. If he offers to pay for dinner or drinks tell him "sure, thanks for nothing, dick" and then leave without him.
4. Try to trip him while you're walking down the street together.
5. If he does something affectionate like grab your hand or put his arm around you scream shout in his face.
6. If he calls or texts you, never respond. And, of course, never text him first, psycho, what are you in love or something?
7. When he asks about some of your interests just belch in response.
This ought to do it. I can't guarantee it will work if you don't follow each of these tips strictly but it probably will. You'll have him in the palm of your hand.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Yahoo's Dating Tips
Thank god. Yahoo has explained it all for me. Apparently, as a [smart] woman, I keep making all of these [stupid] dating mistakes [that men do not make].
8 Dating Mistakes Even Smart Women Make
Dating Mistake #1: Being Too Available
Take Sebastian, 34, from Chicago, for example: “When I was single, there were women I initially liked who seemed to be waiting by the phone for me to call, which let me know if I didn’t meet someone else I wanted to date, I had a standby. There just wasn’t anything to work for, and that turned me off,” he says.
It's hard for us women to contain ourselves when a new man floats into our lives. But if we want to keep these slick little angelfish from swimming to someone else, we must stay away from them. Let them swim to us by making them think we don't want them. We can always catch other fish, we don't need the angelfish. [get it? other fish in the sea hardy fucking har]
Inserted halfway through the article is this linked message:
"Related: 25 Things That Keep Him Hooked and Happy"
Because, for the love of god, girls, once we have one we have got to do everything in our power to keep him! And we are also responsible for his happiness and thus, his fidelity.
Dating Mistake #4: Feeling Sorry for Yourself
Ladies, stop feeling so bad about the fact that you're single [even though you shouldn't be]. You don't need a man to be happy [yes you do], isn't that what every movie and book tells you all the time? [No it's not] That's why every movie ends with the girl shirking the idea that she needs a husband or boyfriend to be happy and goes off into the sunset by herself [Bridget Jones, Muriel's Wedding, 10 things I hate about you, etc.].
Most single women know how much fun it is to have their relatives ask them if there's anyone "special" in their lives, and then lamenting when you say "no." Aaww, you're too great to be by yourself, you'll find that perfect guy soon. But women never let this bother us, because we are constantly being reassured by society that it is okay to be single, so why would we ever feel sorry for ourselves?
Dating Mistake #5: Knowing His Thread-Count Before You Know His Phone Number
Follow the advice of super-sexy leading man Gilles Marini (he was Samantha’s sexy neighbor in Sex and the City: The Movie): “Men love women who respect themselves and who do not rush into bed with them but instead go on a few dates, where they can start to gain an understanding of each other and then decide whether or not to take things further. Women need to know that taking it slow and getting to know one another is the best way to get into a good relationship,” he says.
Take it from the sexy guy from the Sex and the City Movie - this is simple enough, no man wants to date a slut. Plus, women get so attached as soon as they have sex with a guy. I can remember this time that I had sex with this guy and as I was doing it I pictured us at our wedding. When he lifted my veil in this fantasy I had an orgasm. [I lie]
Men, on the other hand, never become attached as a result of having sex with someone. Feelings and sex never go together for men, never. [not true] That is why they can have as much sex as humanly possible with many women and not even blink. But when they're looking for that special woman to settle down with, they will look to the girl who hasn't had a lot of sex. Maybe even a girl who doesn't know what a penis looks like. Inexperience is such a turn-on for them, who knows, maybe she won't know which hole it goes in. Silly, virginal women!
Another strategic link insert - See our tips: 12 Things Guys Wish You Knew in Bed
Learn everything you need to know about how to please a man, but don't practice it with too many men. You shouldn't get too good at it because no man wants a whore.
Dating Mistake #6: Being Too Selfish in Your Relationship
Women are notorious for thinking only of themselves. We never make enough sacrifices in relationships or life. When we want something we don't compromise, we just go after it. Like with careers, for example. Kids, be damned! I'm going to work! Your father can make all the arrangements for you while I'm on my business trips around the country. Maybe I'll have a few affairs while I'm gone, but, hey, that's my business.
Dating Mistake #7: Believing in The One
Instead of convincing yourself the ex you dumped was your soul mate or that perfect-but-married co-worker was your one that got away, take a cue from our male counterparts and approach the dating scene with the idea that there are plenty of men who are capable of making you laugh, sharing your values and melting your heart
Men have it all together. Just do what they do when it comes to dating and we'll be fine.
Dating Mistake #8: Forgetting Your Manners
We can’t imagine this is something you’d ever do, but a little reminder never hurts: Say thank you.
Good of you to remind me because I'm usually not thankful for anything. And if I'm in a relationship I need to thank my lucky stars for every day that passes that a man has decided to put up with me for an undisclosed amount of time. I could increase my chances of making that a longer amount of time by thanking him.
I feel so enlightened. I tried to make my own cheat sheet to print out but I couldn't get the whole article down to one page. It's probably because I'm a woman and I'm so bad with technology. Hopefully Yahoo will come out with a how-to for women and technology-related tasks. But knowing technology isn't going to get me closer to getting married, so that article wouldn't be worth reading.
Oh! And there were also a number of additional suggested readings at the end of the article -
More from Glamour:
* 10 Things He’s Thinking When You’re Naked
* 8 Sex Moves Every Woman Should Try Once
* Why He Hasn’t Proposed (Yet)
* The Fastest Way to Create Sparks with Your Boyfriend
I'll tell you the fastest way to create sparks with your boyfriend! Light a stick of dynamite and toss it to him, he'll toss it back and then you'll toss it back at him again. It could be like a relationship bonding experience that could bring you closer together [but also, possibly, further apart].
Read more gemstonery here.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
how to date
This picture was taken from a 1938 Dating Guide for Single Women. In a series of suggestions on how to hold your date's attention, it makes many assumptions. It assumes exactly what men want to hear, see and talk about. It also assumes that women should give a big shit about all of those things.
I ask, why not talk about what interests you and try not to anticipate what a man wants to hear? Maybe he wants to talk about my style or where he buys his clothes. Maybe he wants to talk about a coffee table he decorated with his initials in Bud Light bottle caps. (in which case, Check please!)
The point is that I shouldn't have to anticipate what someone else wants to talk about just to please them. Women have always been the pleasers of the world. What is so wrong with talking about what we care about? Men have done it their whole life, why not us, too?
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