PUBIC, Ted.

Speaking of pubic hair, here is a great gchat I had with a friend the other day. Be warned, it's not for the faint of heart. It's graphic. Don't read it if you don't like reading about people talking about pubic hair.

Me: i was thinking of pubes the other day
at what point do they stop growing and go away?
what if u have 1 rogue hair that grows down to ur knees?
can that happen?
i bet it already has

Friend: i have no idea
haha
the longest mine have ever been never got that long
but those babies can bush up

me: right
they can disguise their length by curling up tightly
sneaky
i picture pubes like little cartoon characters rooting for one another to grow longer

Friend: of course you do

me: how do u picture ur pubes?

Friend: as they really are
they are looking to invade really
not looking for length but square footage
haha

me: they want to explore the studio space

Friend: they're always trying to invade other adjoining areas

me: hahahahaha!!!!!
now i'm picturing ur pubes dressed in old fashioned civil war uniforms with guns & bayonets

Friend: oh god
i picture them more like ninja assassins
or in a militaristic like coups

me: come on men!!! *collective cry while charging* byaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!

Friend: CHARGE!!!!
what would they be fighting?
my upper thighs and butt crack?

me: less noticeable leg and abdomen hair
there, men!!
get into the crevasse!!!!!

public hair

Remembering Middle School gym class during the sexual education portion of the year...


Ted (dingbat middle school student): Mr. Rhodes! Mr. Rhodes! There's a typo in this book. Shouldn't it say "PUBLIC" hair?

Mr. Rhodes (in requisite gym teacher purple swishy track suit): No. It's PUBIC, Ted.


Thank you, Meagan, for these memories.

abstinence only!

Here's a great idea!! Let's pretend that sex doesn't exist and just ignore it and not talk to our kids about it and it will go away. It makes me really uncomfortable to address sex like an adult, so a great tactic I do is cover my ears and close my eyes and yell "eeeewwww! and "evil!!!" whenever somebody starts talking about it.

Facts like 1 in every 4 sexually active teens has an STI and 40% of older adolescents believe that birth control pills and shots prevent STIs and HIV are scary. But I think what I'll do to help these problems is throw some abstinence pamphlets at my teens and then slip awkwardly from the room. I don't know where these "sexually active" teens are living, not in my town, because teens don't have sex, of course they couldn't, because they're not married yet. So if I just keep pretending like it's not happening because I won't let myself see it, everything's cool.

I'll put earplugs in so I can't hear people tell me that teens who are educated through abstinence only programs are less likely to use condoms, and more likely to choose other unprotected forms of sex including oral and anal, without contraception. Nope! Sorry!! Can't hear you!!! Just like my little niece walking through the mall yesterday with her iPod earphones in, I'll yell in response to anybody who tries to talk to me.

Maybe if I listen less and speak louder, the hedonist comprehensive sex education people will get tired of trying to educate and corrupt me and just go away. That way I can keep pumping billions of dollars into a program that ignores human nature and shames people, not quite enough to keep them from having sex, but from using contraception that will shield them from the STIs I never told them existed to begin with. I'll just keep punishing the youth of America because I have a personal problem with addressing the concept of sex on a mature level.

And if all of this fails I'll just remind them that they'll go to hell if they do it and take pleasure in knowing I'm morally above them.