the least attractive

The Huffington Post was kind enough to break down the statistics I was already quite aware of, which puts both Baltimore & DC in the list of the most unattractive people in the U.S. To which I replied GET ME HOME RIGHT NOW PLEASE. May my feet have wings! Fly me back to the land of beauty!

I think it is best to look on the bright side in these situations. Sure, I'm leaving a country of beautiful, beautiful men. And I mean, they're everywhere. You're on the bus, hot guy. You go to the supermarket, hot guy. You walk down the street in the morning to go to work, hot guy. I think you get the idea. That being said, since I'm leaving to go home to one of the ugliest cities in America I should do something to cheer myself up.


First, let's just try to forget about this beautiful boludo above that came from Rosario, Argentina.

Remember that Argentina is also the country that brought us these men...



Carlos Tevez - No this is not a caveman dressed in modern sports attire. This thick-necked man was born in 1984 in Ciudadela, Buenos Aires, Argentina.




Leo Messi - Admittedly I like this guy a lot. His soccer skills are incredible, and, depending on the face he's making on the field, he ain't so bad. But this picture really confuses me. Should I be attracted to him here? Or should I be asking around to all my gay guy friends to see who wants a go at him?




Diego Maradona - One of the greatest soccer players of all time. He may be divine athletically (or was, at least back in the 80s) but aesthetically divine he is not.

Let's go back a little further so I can give myself further reassurance here.




Bartolome Mitre - Liberal President during 1860s. Wearer of John Wilkes Booth hair and Samuel Morse beard.





Jose de San Martin - Main leader of the South American independence movement in the 1800s. Crossed the Andes on horseback which sounds really, really hard. Good at being spooked by things to his left.




And here was his wife - Maria de los Remedios de Escalada - daaaaaaaaaaammmmnnnnn... Buzz, your girlfriend, WOOF.


Not feeling so bad anymore. :)

squid billies

Have you ever seen a haircut sooo bad it makes your blood boil with unabashed RAGE?





AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a look I have deemed the squid billie. Although, to look it up I had to type in mullet dreads to which Google rightfully corrected me, (did you mean dread mullet?, yes I did, thank you).

Unfortunately for many people in this city, the squid billie is very popular here. It is an extreme version of the classic mullet we all know and love (which is also very popular here, as you might guess, a look that screams "sex!")

These hideously misguided men have a lot to learn if they want to know how to look bad the easy, low maintenance, less-haired way. However, they do not have a lot to learn if they want to know how to look like John Travolta in Battlefield Earth.



COUNT IT!!!

It seems annoying as shit having a turd-cord grazing your back as you're strutting the streets or waking up with tentacle imprints in your back and a crick in your neck. GUYS!! It's so much easier to look ugly!!! You don't have to hold your hair when you go to the bathroom, you don't have to scare people from standing behind you on the bus. Who knows, maybe you might even look......attractive? I can't make any promises but I'd be willing to bet with each tentacle you cut off, an angel gets it's wings (to fly down to earth to sexually be with you).