flushing power

I started a new job on Monday.  Everything's going very well so far.  My only complaint right now is the flushing power of the toilet in the office.  It's too powerful.

I've been around a lot of toilets in my day and it seems like what all humans want is a happy median when it comes to flushing power.  Nobody benefits from a toilet with a flushing power so weak that it seems to run on the wind produced by hamster farts.  This may arguably be the worst flushing power one can come across.  Nobody should ever have to face the fear and panic produced by a toilet that has not the power to carry your waste to a better, faraway place.  I've been there, you've been there, too.  It's not a good place.  And when you come out of the bathroom sweating, 20 minutes later, after having invented several awful ways to take the waste out of sight, and all of your coworkers are staring at you and you can't look them in the eyes, that's a shame we shouldn't have to bear.

But I discovered a new flushing power problem that goes to the other extreme.  A flushing power so strong, so loud, a flushing power that your great grandparents dreamed about.  If I could go back in time, I'd tell my great grandparents, be careful what you wish for, and also, sorry you never got to see the internet.  The toilets in my office flush so powerfully that I have to turn my face away, for fear it will be sprayed with a back splash of toilet water.  In the bible, Lot's family was not supposed to turn back to look at their burning town, lest they be turned to salt, (which of course, Lot's wife had to fucking turn around anyway because, CURIOSITY, also, in case you haven't noticed, women in the bible can't do ANYTHING right).  Fortunately for me, I've opted for protection over curiosity so far, but that still leaves my back unprotected from toilet droplets.

Is this a real problem?  Absolutely not.  The point of this story is:

A. I like my new job. 

and

B. Toilet flushing technology can become overzealous if we're not careful.

Let's calm down a little bit, turn down the dial.  I don't need a toilet so powerful that it can also suck up my hopes and dreams and possibly soul, while spewing microscopic poop pieces at my person.  P!!!  I guess we can't have it all, though, can we.

great benefits

You brought me confusion beyond recognition.

You brought me wet toilet paper.

You brought me a jug-sized refill bottle of Softsoap sitting on the sink, with what appeared to be a pubic hair clinging to the top of it, to wash my hands in the bathroom.

What I'm trying to say is, thank you.

for nacho - 1990

Nacho is a very funny Argentine guy who is married to my friend, Joanna.  I met them both while I was there and I think they are great people and I can't wait for them to come back to the U.S. to live!  Also, the first time I met Nacho he asked me if I was popular in high school.  I liked him instantly.

Nacho has spent more than the first quarter of his life living in Argentina, so he will have a lot of catching up to do on all of the ridiculousness of U.S. pop culture.  So I'm taking it upon myself to help him along and study up on the stuff that really matters when you're living in the U.S.: silly shit.  I've decided to start with the 90s, specifically with 1990, because it is one of the most fun and a very essential decade for him to study up on ahead of time before he arrives.  To give him a taste, I googled "1990" and these are the images that came up:

This says nothing and yet says so much.  We're not even scratching the surface yet, but this is a start.

Here are a few key things you should remember about 1990 in the U.S.  There's a lot, I couldn't give you all of it, and you probably wouldn't want me to anyway.  Forgive me if you had some of this in Argentina, and if you haven't, you're welcome.

TV:
Beverly Hills, 90210 - Older sisters across the U.S. watched this show religiously, specifically mine.  It's the epitome of 90's fashion.

That big doof Brian Austin Green is married to Megan Fox.  So, you know, anything's possible in America.

Movies:
If you haven't already, watch these great 90s classics:
Pretty Woman - Julia Roberts, prostitute, steals the heart of a rich business man, Richard Gere, becomes classy lady.
Dances with Wolves - Kevin Costner hanging out with Native Americans(?) To be honest, I have no idea what happens in that movie I just remember seeing pictures of Kevin Costner in big cloaks and feathers.
Ghost - Patrick Swayze dies, makes Demi Moore sad, Whoopi Goldberg is a medium who can speak to Patrick Swayze while he's dead.

Kindergarten Cop - You've been eating other people's lunches?  STOP IT!
Who is ya daddy, and what does he do?




Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I fucking LOVED them when I was little.




Music:
2 amazing one-hit wonders:
1. M.C. Hammer - U Can't Touch This - If you think this doesn't still come on my iPod a few times a month, you're WRONG.  It does.  THOSE PANTS!!!

Pay attention at 2:40 - I want to see you doing this at your wedding next month.



2. Vanilla Ice - Ice, ice baby -
That shit is on point.  Also very similar to Queen & Bowie's "Under Pressure," right?  He got sued for that.




I know you don't like rap very much, but you have to know LL Cool J.  He licks his lips a lot and the ladies love it.

Paula Abdul - Opposites Attract -
Paula Abdul hangs out with a cartoon cat, or something, that can really dance.  It's weird to think of them together, having sex.  Try not to think about that when you watch this.




I'll let Joanna fill you in on anything I missed.

Hope you enjoyed 1990!  See you in 1991!

detail oriented

When you're in an interview trying to put your best self forward, it's always important to be honest.  I thought that's what I was doing when I explained in my interview a few months ago that I'm not detail oriented.  That's my weakness.  Yes, I know, the one fucking thing companies look for, it's not my strength.  Did I follow up by saying that I was working on improving that weakness through a variety of tasks, giving examples such as A, B and C?  You bet your balls I did.  You can't just say "I suck" in an interview and not try to explain why.

But your weakness is still your weakness, even if you admit it and say you're working on it.  I mean, come on, even if Superman's at an interview and reveals his one weakness, you're probably not going to hire him to head the kryptonite plant, it's just poor judgement.

But, by some stroke of ridiculous dumb luck, Superman gets the job anyway!  Now should Superman have applied for that job in the first place?  Certainly not, but Superman really, really needed a job at the time because he was living with his mom in North Carolina and he didn't care where or how he got it, he just needed that job so get off my damn back!!

I mean, get off Superman's back.  Get off of Superman's back, please.

better ways

I just saw the Dark Knight Rises.  I loved it.  But I have a question.  Are there better, more practical ways to ride a motorcycle?

Probably not.  I get it.  Anne Hathaway is hot.  Her body looks amazing in black leather, especially her ass.

But, for a minute, let's imagine Batman riding through Gotham City to kill bad guys and fight crime positioned like he's taking it doggystyle.  Capeless with puckered butt to the world.  Would that make sense?  Would we accept that?  Or would we say, "wait a minute, Batman.  Let's think this through.  Don't wear those heels, they make it harder for you to run.  Also, don't ride your motorcycle so sexually, there are probably better ways to do that, too."

Can we imagine that world?

Of course maybe Batman would just say, "nope, this is the best way, thanks."  As he sashays away in his heels.

brown eyed sham

Brown eyes can be great.  They can be very dark and penetrating.  They can also be light and otherworldly.  Or they can be my eye color: shit stain.  For those of you who have been given the gift of shit stain colored eyes, use it with gloved caution.

Even though we all know the truth deep down, there are still some people out there who try to pretend like brown eyes are great.  This is all silly, feigned bullshit.  Who are we kidding?  Van Morrison is a HUGE culprit of this:

Slipping and sliding
All along the waterfall with you
My brown eyed girl
You my brown eyed girl.


Do you remember when we used to sing,
Sha la la la la la la la la la la te da

I don't, actually.

Please forgive me, Van, but your sham song can kiss my brown eyed ass.


2:53 - bit by bit by bit by bit by bit by bit!

thank you, kotex!

I'd like to take this moment to thank Kotex and, frankly, all feminine products for their conspicuous and fluorescent pride.

In case you're a man or you use a diva cup, or both, I'll fill you in.

Look at the pads leaning casually and sexily against the box up there.  Pretty hot, huh?  Maybe they're trying to make us forget that they catch period blood?

The packaging for tampons and pads, (or feminine napkins if that makes you feel more comfortable, but I already said period blood once so if you kept reading after that, you should be able to make it through the rest of this okay), is reliably bright with the most neon of colors available.  Which, of course, makes perfect sense.  Because when I'm walking to the bathroom at work carrying something I'm trying to hide, it should be the most eye-catching HIGHLIGHTER YELLOW or BRIGHT NEON PINK to draw attention away from my embarrassed face.

It's also especially fun when you're pulling things out of your purse, searching for your keys, and out comes a beacon of light known as a tampon in SUN RAY ORANGE.  Hello, crowd at the metro!

Or you open a drawer to quickly and stealthily pull out a pair of underwear or a human head or whatever you're pulling out of a drawer quickly, and BAM - FUCKING PURPLE.  Must be my feminine napkin because nothing else on this earth is colored so goddam brightly.

So, thanks, Kotex, for always letting everyone know I'm on my period.