who hates america?

Sometimes I like to punish myself by looking at things that put me into a rage.  A small dose of rage is good for the body, probably.  Like a teaspoon of Dimetapp when you're a young, sick toddler or a healthy adult who just happens to like the delicious grape taste.

I recently hopped on the appropriately titled "Things Liberals Hate" group page on Facebook for a lark.  And oh what fun it was to ride on a one horse open sleigh of insanity.  As was foretold, I hated these things, but decided to read on despite my hate.

I found this bit of gold (which these wacky uber non-liberals would suggest I pocket immediately since the US dollar is apparently going down a literal toilet being flushed by Obama himself):

Look, I may not shit red, white and blue, or play the star spangled banner on a trumpet when I wake up every morning, or have one of those big black eagles attached to the outside of my house.  You KNOW what I'm talking about, I googled the following phrases hoping to find a good visual for you:

black eagle outside of house

eagle posted on house

eagle on my house

And finally found luck with this one:
eagle on the house patriotic

Theeeeeerrreeee it is.

I may not have this eagle, this unofficial badge of patriotism, on my house, and I may say some not-so-nice things about my country sometimes, but that doesn't mean I hate America.

It's called being realistic.  I can squawk all day about the pledge of allegiance and apple pie and how fucking great this country is and not say anything bad about it ever, but that's a joke.

Is this country great?  Sure.  Has this country trampled on a lot of other countries and ignored others in order to claw its way to the top to become great?  Sure.  Does this country have a lot of creative ideas being generated every day?  Sure.  Does this country have citizens who threaten to kill their own president over 30 times every day mostly because he's black and that scares them? Sure.  It's a complicated, hypocritical world, but admitting faults doesn't have to mean you hate something.

I would much rather be a citizen who looks critically at their own country, A. because we can and other countries can't and we should be pretty fucking proud of and grateful for that, and B. maybe if we realize our faults we can work on them and become an even greater country.

Isn't that something uber non-liberals can get behind?
What is greater than great?  Greater!
Greater > Great.

Now I've typed "great" so  many times I don't even know if it's an actual word or if I've spelled it correctly.  Now that's what it means to love America!

Yes!
http://www.animationplayhouse.com/lorry/fireworks3.gif

politics and family

Earlier this week I got a cryptic email from my aunt & uncle who I haven't heard from in a long time:

Hey Jenna – The whole family is so proud of you. We know you are very dedicated to the good of humanity and working with other countries. We hope you know that we as a nation and middle class people need your age to realize that what is happening in our economy is detrimental to the country. We need a change – not what is happening. My friends and children are losing their houses and jobs. Is that what we want? Just think about it for you and future families. I felt impelled to send this email to you and would love to hear your feelings. We need to keep in touch. Love you. – [Aunt and Uncle]

Hmmm, this was sent to me just before the election...  We need a change...not what is happening [now under President Obama, I guess].  They're feeling impelled to contact me regarding their concerns about what's happening right now...  Could they be trying to make me think about voting for Romney?  Could they be presuming I don't follow politics and understand what's happening in this country?  Could they be assuming I'm just some ill-informed liberal on the brink of voting for Obama *gasp* AGAIN!?

Well, just in case any of these possibilities could be the case, here was my response:

Hi guys,

It's good to hear from you!  I'm sorry things have not been going well for your friends and family.  I know I feel extremely grateful to have found a job this year, if not I would not have been able to pay for my student loans or have any sort of healthcare coverage.  That's why, to me and many other people my age, student loans and healthcare are very important topics during this election season.  Student loans bear most of the debts my generation will carry for a good part of our lives, so it's important to have a president who understands these burdens and will work to reform them to make them affordable.  I personally don't want a candidate whose advice is to simply "ask my parents for money" to attend college.  For middle and lower income families, that is not an option.  That was not an option for me, but at least I was lucky enough to have parents who co-signed for my loans, many low income individuals who imperatively need an education to advance, don't have that option.

Healthcare is another extremely important topic for me and I'm so thrilled at the prospect of the Affordable Care Act.  Though ACA is not universal healthcare, we are taking a step in the right direction, as a responsible and powerful country, to take care of the people who live here.  Universal healthcare is a system that has been in existence in Europe and has worked exceptionally well for many countries there.  Is it perfect?  Certainly not, but at least those who need basic care will have access to it and that boosts the country overall.  Mitt Romney set up a successful form of universal healthcare in the state of Massachusetts.  You wouldn't really know it because he doesn't talk about it since it doesn't align with what his party wants for the country and he's quite good at telling people what they want to hear rather than stating exactly what he believes and wants for this country.  If I were him, I would be proud of this accomplishment.  I work for a non-profit in Montgomery County, Maryland, that assists clinics that provide services to those without health insurance.  Their patients are the "lazy takers," often working two or more jobs to take care of their friends and family but still can't seem to find adequate and affordable health insurance.  

I voted for a president who wants to allow a woman to make decisions about her own body, not to call back into question laws that were passed 40 years ago.  There are many other issues we need to be concerned about, just as you said, jobs, for example, rather than scrambling desperately to go back to a time in which men had more control over the bodies and decisions of women.  In addition, I voted for a president who wants a woman to receive the same pay as a man, who doesn't tell some distracting anecdote about binders of women that says nothing about bringing women beside men in the job market, not steps behind, as we've always been.  I voted for a president who would renew the Violence Against Women Act which protects thousands of women across the country from various forms of violence.  I voted for a president who, in his first days in office, signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act which states that the 180-day statute of limitations for filing an equal-pay lawsuit regarding pay discrimination resets with each new paycheck affected by that action, therefore protecting those seeking justice in cases of discriminatory compensation. I would not vote for a president who shares the party of individuals who have clung, with everything they have, to bigotry, misogyny and racism. 

In terms of those losing their jobs and homes, that is especially sad.  If I were in that position I would want a president who would stand with me and understand it was his responsibility to care about me, even if I'm within the 47% that "doesn't pay taxes or take responsibility for their own lives."  It is a president's job to care about the entire country, not just an elite few.  I could go on but I think this explains my thoughts.  I have a feeling we may not agree on these things, it might be best if we don't talk politics.  

Take care!

Love,

Jenna




(No response from them so far but they may be in a fallout shelter or on their way to another country to live right now, so I'll give them some time.)

open letter to the bathroom stall lady

To the lady in the bathroom stall next to mine at work this afternoon,

Why would you disturb the sweet, placid silence of a bathroom with your groans?  Seriously, you and I were the only ones in that bathroom, and I was in the stall next to you and I heard you groaning and you know I heard you.  Come on!!  You scared me to death in there.

The newspapers piled around your feet signified a break well spent, taking your time in the bathroom while catching up on election news and damages caused by Hurricane Sandy.  But your audible groans signified supplications to a higher power, or unseen hemorrhoid seraphim.

You made me wash my hands faster than usual, so as to get the fuck away from whatever was happening/trying to happen behind that closed stall door.  Today is the day of demons and I just hope you are able to face and slay yours.

I wish I were brave enough to have helped you in your plight, instead of escaping in haste.  Perhaps I could have offered a few words of comfort or ran swiftly out to the local CVS or Rite Aid to pick up a container of Tucks® to provide a much needed burst of cooling witch hazel relief for your suffering.

But escape I did.  Now I can only pray for your independent success.  May you ride out this storm safely.

Forever yours,
Jenna

Governor $$$$ $$$$$$

Shouldn't it be enough that Romney has enough money to get to travel the deep seas in some sort of post modern tricked out submarine coffin when he dies?  Shouldn't it be enough that he and his great great great grandparents and their children and their children's children and their children's dog and his 50 children and their children will all live together in heaven's paradise for all eternity after he dies?  Mormons get to have all that, right?  Even though they are constantly reminding us of how totally normal they are?  I mean, that would be enough for me, but it's clearly not enough for Mittens.

Nope, he just has to be president so he can take us back to a more distant time when women didn't vote traditional government style that praises all wealthy white men Americans and hands-off government only when it comes to ignoring corrupt business but not when it comes to a women's right to make decisions about her own body.  You know, guys, like when Reagan was president and every day was like a fucking Harvard frat party.  Money, money, money, money....money!

But I'm just jealous of his money, right?  Yeah, probably.  I've always wanted a tricked out means of conveyance (maybe even a personalized license plate that says ASSDIVA or something clever).  As for the family/eternity part, I've heard my great grandmother was a pretty mean, ghastly, banshee of a West Virginian back country woman, so that doesn't appeal to me that much.

More than anything else I'm just tired of the same old shit, the same old rich white guy skipping through the open door to whatever-the-fuck-he-wants.  And I'm tired of him trying to tell me how hard he's had it and how much he had to work to get to the top.  As the saying goes, when you're born on third base, you shouldn't go around thinking you hit a triple.  (GO NATS! GO O's!)  I'm really sorry if I'm offending all the rich white guys of the world, but I'm sure with a little time and a handkerchief made out of rare five thousand dollar bills, you can pick up the pieces of your life and continue to rule the world and keep the other 99% safely squeezed under the heel of your Salvatore Ferragamo 'Faraone' Cap Toe Oxfords.

flushing power

I started a new job on Monday.  Everything's going very well so far.  My only complaint right now is the flushing power of the toilet in the office.  It's too powerful.

I've been around a lot of toilets in my day and it seems like what all humans want is a happy median when it comes to flushing power.  Nobody benefits from a toilet with a flushing power so weak that it seems to run on the wind produced by hamster farts.  This may arguably be the worst flushing power one can come across.  Nobody should ever have to face the fear and panic produced by a toilet that has not the power to carry your waste to a better, faraway place.  I've been there, you've been there, too.  It's not a good place.  And when you come out of the bathroom sweating, 20 minutes later, after having invented several awful ways to take the waste out of sight, and all of your coworkers are staring at you and you can't look them in the eyes, that's a shame we shouldn't have to bear.

But I discovered a new flushing power problem that goes to the other extreme.  A flushing power so strong, so loud, a flushing power that your great grandparents dreamed about.  If I could go back in time, I'd tell my great grandparents, be careful what you wish for, and also, sorry you never got to see the internet.  The toilets in my office flush so powerfully that I have to turn my face away, for fear it will be sprayed with a back splash of toilet water.  In the bible, Lot's family was not supposed to turn back to look at their burning town, lest they be turned to salt, (which of course, Lot's wife had to fucking turn around anyway because, CURIOSITY, also, in case you haven't noticed, women in the bible can't do ANYTHING right).  Fortunately for me, I've opted for protection over curiosity so far, but that still leaves my back unprotected from toilet droplets.

Is this a real problem?  Absolutely not.  The point of this story is:

A. I like my new job. 

and

B. Toilet flushing technology can become overzealous if we're not careful.

Let's calm down a little bit, turn down the dial.  I don't need a toilet so powerful that it can also suck up my hopes and dreams and possibly soul, while spewing microscopic poop pieces at my person.  P!!!  I guess we can't have it all, though, can we.

great benefits

You brought me confusion beyond recognition.

You brought me wet toilet paper.

You brought me a jug-sized refill bottle of Softsoap sitting on the sink, with what appeared to be a pubic hair clinging to the top of it, to wash my hands in the bathroom.

What I'm trying to say is, thank you.

for nacho - 1990

Nacho is a very funny Argentine guy who is married to my friend, Joanna.  I met them both while I was there and I think they are great people and I can't wait for them to come back to the U.S. to live!  Also, the first time I met Nacho he asked me if I was popular in high school.  I liked him instantly.

Nacho has spent more than the first quarter of his life living in Argentina, so he will have a lot of catching up to do on all of the ridiculousness of U.S. pop culture.  So I'm taking it upon myself to help him along and study up on the stuff that really matters when you're living in the U.S.: silly shit.  I've decided to start with the 90s, specifically with 1990, because it is one of the most fun and a very essential decade for him to study up on ahead of time before he arrives.  To give him a taste, I googled "1990" and these are the images that came up:

This says nothing and yet says so much.  We're not even scratching the surface yet, but this is a start.

Here are a few key things you should remember about 1990 in the U.S.  There's a lot, I couldn't give you all of it, and you probably wouldn't want me to anyway.  Forgive me if you had some of this in Argentina, and if you haven't, you're welcome.

TV:
Beverly Hills, 90210 - Older sisters across the U.S. watched this show religiously, specifically mine.  It's the epitome of 90's fashion.

That big doof Brian Austin Green is married to Megan Fox.  So, you know, anything's possible in America.

Movies:
If you haven't already, watch these great 90s classics:
Pretty Woman - Julia Roberts, prostitute, steals the heart of a rich business man, Richard Gere, becomes classy lady.
Dances with Wolves - Kevin Costner hanging out with Native Americans(?) To be honest, I have no idea what happens in that movie I just remember seeing pictures of Kevin Costner in big cloaks and feathers.
Ghost - Patrick Swayze dies, makes Demi Moore sad, Whoopi Goldberg is a medium who can speak to Patrick Swayze while he's dead.

Kindergarten Cop - You've been eating other people's lunches?  STOP IT!
Who is ya daddy, and what does he do?




Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - I fucking LOVED them when I was little.




Music:
2 amazing one-hit wonders:
1. M.C. Hammer - U Can't Touch This - If you think this doesn't still come on my iPod a few times a month, you're WRONG.  It does.  THOSE PANTS!!!

Pay attention at 2:40 - I want to see you doing this at your wedding next month.



2. Vanilla Ice - Ice, ice baby -
That shit is on point.  Also very similar to Queen & Bowie's "Under Pressure," right?  He got sued for that.




I know you don't like rap very much, but you have to know LL Cool J.  He licks his lips a lot and the ladies love it.

Paula Abdul - Opposites Attract -
Paula Abdul hangs out with a cartoon cat, or something, that can really dance.  It's weird to think of them together, having sex.  Try not to think about that when you watch this.




I'll let Joanna fill you in on anything I missed.

Hope you enjoyed 1990!  See you in 1991!