Wednesday, October 31, 2012

open letter to the bathroom stall lady

To the lady in the bathroom stall next to mine at work this afternoon,

Why would you disturb the sweet, placid silence of a bathroom with your groans?  Seriously, you and I were the only ones in that bathroom, and I was in the stall next to you and I heard you groaning and you know I heard you.  Come on!!  You scared me to death in there.

The newspapers piled around your feet signified a break well spent, taking your time in the bathroom while catching up on election news and damages caused by Hurricane Sandy.  But your audible groans signified supplications to a higher power, or unseen hemorrhoid seraphim.

You made me wash my hands faster than usual, so as to get the fuck away from whatever was happening/trying to happen behind that closed stall door.  Today is the day of demons and I just hope you are able to face and slay yours.

I wish I were brave enough to have helped you in your plight, instead of escaping in haste.  Perhaps I could have offered a few words of comfort or ran swiftly out to the local CVS or Rite Aid to pick up a container of Tucks® to provide a much needed burst of cooling witch hazel relief for your suffering.

But escape I did.  Now I can only pray for your independent success.  May you ride out this storm safely.

Forever yours,

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