Wednesday, January 25, 2012

ok, cupid, that's enough




My friend recently decided to try online dating. Her expectations have been low but they continue to get lower as she dives deeper into the crevasse of social castaways. There are plenty of regular people who do online dating. Normal people with normal head shapes, sometimes even beautiful head shapes and head features. But, of course, there are quite a few duds, like bridge troll duds. My friend told me after a night of searching profiles in her area, the majority of them were "red-faced, partial facial hair, backwards baseball cap wearers." :*(

I decided, for a lark, to take a gander at the guys where I am, here in North Carolina. Shits and giggles. The result? Plenty of shit and giggles.

I set up a profile on okcupid which required me only to put up a picture of myself. ("You must be in the photo! Full nudity, extreme close ups, pets, cars, baby photos, artwork, images you’ve added yourself to, etc. are not allowed. Rule breaking photos will be deleted.") After my profile was "set up" I looked through a few pictures, got bored and discouraged and decided to call it a night. The gems would come my way the following few days, after some people found my profile and decided to reach out to me. Bless their hearts for putting themselves out there. But these things need to be laughed at, so here we go...

I received messages from, and I shit you not on these usernames:

fuzzytoez
Mike_Dizzle
CrazyWisdomTomb
TrappedInaDeam

Here's what CrazyWisdomTomb had to say in his first message to me:
Did you do anything fun over the holidays? One of my crazy relatives came into town and staying at my parents house. I went over there to visit and she told me she was going to only have a "little" wine because she didn't want to make a scene. I later found out that "little" is actually defined as: exactly 5 bottles. And "not want to make a scene" means talking to my grandma about sexual positions, and literally howling like a dog in my parents back yard (she is in her 60's). But that's what holidays are all about right? Do you have any crazy relatives?


Dammit, WisdomTomb!! Why didn't you save this big gun for our first date? Look, I know family disappointment and embarrassment. My brother once picked me up from the bus stop on a tractor. But I'm not going to pour that on you without having even heard your voice. Kudos for the honesty, though. Good luck with your drunk aunt.

And maxpower2551:
hey!
so i was wondering if you'd be interested in talking and maybe possibly hooking up? i'm not looking for just a one time thing but more like occasional, i'm just not really looking for a serious relationship right now and i haven't been with anyone in a while so i guess i am a little desperate. Lol. and don't get me wrong cause i have Never done this before. and i know i don't have any pics of me posted up but if you would seriously be interested i can send you pics of me so you can know and see who you're talking to. hope to hear from you soon! ; )
-sorry for being so bluntly rude and straight forward, just being honest ; )


Good thing he slipped "talking" before "possibly hooking up" because I would've thought he was a total dick who only wanted to have sex and nothing else. His random capitalization in the middle of sentences and lack of pictures on his profile makes me worry that he may be missing a few teeth and those teeth may be right up front where everybody can see where they would be if they were still there. Needless to say, I've never been so flattered in my life, and I can't wait for us to have sex together, (after talking, of course).

So, yes, online dating. I'd have better luck going to a bar, blindfolding myself and using my sense of touch to find a decent guy with a good head shape. So that's probably what I'll do.

1 comment:

  1. Oh, man, those are great. My friend Jenna has a tumblr about her online dating experiences that are pretty hilarious. I may have already shared this with you, but it's good enough to re-share. :) http://plenty-of-fail.com/

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