Wednesday, October 12, 2011

be uninterested

I recently had a conversation with a guy friend of mine here about a guy that I was interested in who dropped off the face of the earth after we had a few dates.

My guy friend seemed pretty baffled about this boy's sudden disappearance. He said, "I don't know what could have happened, I thought he liked you." And after that he looked at me and asked me a question with the same tone as someone who was asking their friend if they left a candle burning near the curtains in their bedroom at home. "Did you show signs that you were really interested?"

I thought for a second. "Of course not," I responded, "I tried to make it clear that I really hated him whenever we were together."

What the fuck kind of question is this? I definitely don't blame my friend for asking it because everyone asks it. In the world of dating you have to show just the right amount of interest and disinterest in order to trick the other person into liking you. I can only speak from the female point of view, here. I know that men suffer their own tortures in dating, too, but I'm not talking about that right now.

As a woman, if you say something or do something that shows you are too interested in a guy they read this pretty clearly as "let's have children together, tomorrow." The meanings of what we say and do are as clear as the color coding for a mood ring. For example, while on a date if you mention that you thought about them the other day, this means that you imagined how you would look in your wedding dress as you walked down the aisle toward him in his tux. If you say that you told your friends about him this means that you picked flowers together to play the he-loves-me-he-loves-me-not game and then played the 4th grade game "MASH" for a half hour to see what city you will live in together and how many children you will have.

In order to avoid scaring the guys that you are really interested in, I believe it's important to do the following to make it clear that you're uninterested and therefore win his affections -

1. Always avoid eye contact.
2. Call him by the wrong name sometimes while you're out to dinner.
3. If he offers to pay for dinner or drinks tell him "sure, thanks for nothing, dick" and then leave without him.
4. Try to trip him while you're walking down the street together.
5. If he does something affectionate like grab your hand or put his arm around you scream shout in his face.
6. If he calls or texts you, never respond. And, of course, never text him first, psycho, what are you in love or something?
7. When he asks about some of your interests just belch in response.

This ought to do it. I can't guarantee it will work if you don't follow each of these tips strictly but it probably will. You'll have him in the palm of your hand.

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